Community Rainbow Waves

The dance of sexualities and how I realized I wasn’t as straight as I thought I was

I was born almost 18 years ago in Germany, a country that nowadays strongly supports members of the LGBTQ+ community. I never saw that, though; I never really realized that gay people even existed. Sure, I knew it, I have heard about it, but never once in my life have I seen a gay person in real life.
Which is why I was frightened when I first looked after a girl. I was frightened because of my friends. They were by no means homophobic, but they always dreamed about boys, always talked about how they wanted their first kiss to be, some of them even were in relationships.
And then there was me, the girl who already felt like she didn’t belong anywhere before and it drove me even more insane that I did not want these things- or rather: I wanted them to be with a girl.
Whenever I saw an attractive woman on TV, I felt this weird, tingly feeling in my stomach. For a second it felt like home, or at least it felt right.
Not a single person around me showed any sign of homophobia, but I was scared, scared to admit the truth and I tried to push it away as far as possible. After, I fell into a hole. A deep, bottomless hole. My grades dropped, I stopped taking proper care of myself, I fell and it didn’t seem to stop. All because of these thoughts that kept recurring in my mind.

Years passed by and in 2015, I decided to share my thoughts with a friend of mine. She was okay with it, but it wasn’t a big deal to her. Being the shy child I was, I immediately regretted telling her and I started to think that she didn’t care about me.
A year later I told a few more friends about my sexuality, back then I labeled myself as bisexual, and all of them were more than just okay with it. I slowly became comfortable with it as well and started to watch LGBTQ+ related TV-shows and movies, I started reading more books and manga that dealt with women loving other women and slowly but steadily, I became comfortable in my skin.
2017 was a year filled with love, acceptance, and recovery. I started taking care of myself again, I got even more involved in the LGBTQ+ community, joined group chats and at some point, I even started making jokes about my sexuality. I was comfortable, but there were still two people missing in that equation: my parents.

I told them three times that I am not (only) into boys. The first time was in 2017, we were at a birthday celebration and at some point, I decided to tell my father that I’m bi. He didn’t believe me.
Coming-Out number two took place in 2018 when I was studying abroad in the United States. He never responded to that specific text message.
Number three, 2019, I told him when we visited Egypt. At that time, I already figured out that I was gay, not bi as I thought I was. He once again said that it isn’t true, that I am confused.

But I will not let that define me.
Because years later, I am here and I am an openly gay woman. I am proud of myself and even if I haven’t escaped the bottomless hole entirely, I’m almost there.
I have a lot of friends that belong to the LGBTQ+ community, the others strongly support it. I make jokes about being gay, on special occasions (Pride for instance) I dress up as a rainbow. If anyone asks me where I want to be in twenty years, I have no problem to admit that I want to live in an apartment in my hometown, a dog, wife and maybe a child by my side. I know who I am now and I am proud.

I am about to graduate from High School and I will go to college to study film. I want to write and produce TV-shows in the future because to me, they are not just entertainment, they are therapy. Shows/series like ‘The 100’, ‘Orange is The New Black’, ‘Wynonna Earp’ and ‘Carmilla’ have helped me to find myself and even friends who support me no matter what I do.

I want to change something in the future and I want to help people feel things they thought they could never feel before.
I want to #startthewave and give a voice to all the colours of the rainbow!

Much much love, respect, appreciation and gratitude from Germany!

A human grey area

My coming out journey has been closely tied to my mental health and trust me it hasn’t been a linear journey. As a person with borderline personality disorder, I’ve never felt well aligned with anything whether that be my gender, sexuality, or even my own personal identity and it took me 28 years to figure out why.

Throughout my life I have always been uncomfortable with grey area’s they make me feel uncertain and I don’t understand them well; and I struggle with thinking in only black or white. This has caused me to come out numerous times throughout my life by avoiding those grey areas as much as possible. So, growing up in a small rural town where everyone knows everyone made this harder. Exploring my gender and sexuality was (and frankly still is) frowned upon and received a lot of pushback from my community, friends, and family.

First, I was bisexual, then a lesbian, and up until recently a trans man. All never seemed to fit quite how I’d hoped, and honestly, I was avoiding what I already knew.
It took me 28 long years, to finally accept that I’m a nonbinary queer person and that maybe just maybe being a human grey area isn’t such a bad thing.

While coming to terms with this has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, it feels right to acknowledge these parts of myself. I finally feel like I’m honoring who I am and who I love. I’m still working on finding the courage to be out and proud but I feel like this is the best step to take. So regardless of how scared I am, I want to be me, and this is me coming out.

It’s leviOsa not leviosA

I always had doubts about my sexuality and that terrified me, I finally confirmed it at 15, in my class there was a beautiful girl who literally captivated me, months passed in which I kept everything new in my being, until one day I had an attack of courage and I confessed, strangely she felt the same that day was the best and after exits we started a relationship, almost 3 months later my mom that blew up the bomb, they made me go to psychologists several times she could not accept having a daughter like that (Obviously my relationship ended my mom) I was so obsessed that I watched all my female friends, today 4 years have passed although she no longer controls me as before, she thinks it was a stage and that I already passed it, in truth you are an inspiration to I hope one day to have the courage to open my heart to my family and tell them that it was not a stage that is me …….. (sorry but I had to translate it maybe not very good .. atte: an admirer of Lat America)

Bisexual however been with the same woman for 13 years

When I was 16 my BFF and I started an intimate journey together really seemed out of nowhere. We weren’t intimate all the way but one afternoon we were making out and I burst into tears saying over and over again ‘I don’t want to be gay OMG I don’t want to be gay’ it was quite the melt down. Very long story short I spent the next 20 years of my life in the closet hating myself when I was with a woman because I couldn’t be honest and out. Then hating myself more being with a man and being miserable inside. Eventually I figured it out and here I am 48 and in love with a wonderful lady. She’s my everything and I’m so glad I finally was brace enough to come out. My baby sister was who I told first and she was fine and herself is bisexual. Who knew. We could never learn to be brave and patient if there was only joy in the world.

Nicole (not Haught)

I am on my mid-30s, have been married to a man for 10 years, have 2 young kids and have just recently begun to come out. It’s in some ways a sad journey because it marks the end of my marriage to a truly amazing man who gave me the security and space to find myself, but it is not the end of my family. I feel an incredible sense of relief at finally being able to love and accept myself and live an honest life. My children will be better for having a happy mother, and they still have 2 loving parents who love them very much.
Announcing your divorce and your queerness all at once is quite a lot, but I have been so lucky to receive nothing but support from my friends and family.
I think part of what scared me for so long was being defined by my sexuality, but we are all so much more than that aren’t we? I am a mother, a friend, a damn successful businesswoman, a sister, a daughter…and I happen to also be a lesbian.

On my way, hoping to get there soon…

I guess I always knew way back when I was a kid, but I had no idea what it was and why I felt that way. I just wasn’t what was deemed “normal”. I started acknowledging it for myself as I was going through adolescence and all throughout college and then sort of embraced it after graduation. But to be honest, I still don’t feel safe or free – as I wish I could be – to declare my truth. To some I am able to tell them, while to most I keep quiet… either way, I am never without fear of being rejected or seen differently, like I become a different person from the one they’ve come to know as soon as I confirm what they probably already thought. I still fear that I will never be taken seriously professionally or deserving of the same respect as a person just because of who I am. I am still afraid but I am also hopeful that one day, I’d get there – where I am free to just be me and no longer afraid.

I am a survivor

If you had me write this several years ago this would have been a very different story. Come to think of it I did write that one.
But today is today and today I’m more myself then I have ever been.

You see in some ways I’ve been “tailoring” myself for years and not even just towards my sexuality. I have high functioning autism. As result I have a hard time connecting with others or come off more abrasive than others or not understanding social cues. For years I wore a mask pretending that wasn’t me. Pretending I wasn’t hurt by things and most of all pretending I fit in.

With that said. I was in college when I was first introduced to the idea that woman could like woman. And I say that because I was a super naive kid, never had boyfriend, never had the sex talk, never new what liking someone was. If I looked back today, like everyone I’d see the signs.

There was this woman, till this day she’s makes my head spin. She was gorgeous but didn’t exactly treat me right. But she was first one who told me what I was or might be a lesbian or bisexual. And that was first times I heard those words. And I knew I thought she was all that but also wasnt sure I didn’t like men.

It was around this time that two things happened that. I won’t go into great detail but I was sexual assualted and my mother told me that bisexuality didn’t exist. Needless to say I was probably at my lowest. And it would take me along time to finally accept two things. a. my mother was wrong and b. being assualted didn’t turn me gay.

I went thru living struggling and being a shadow of my true self for years. I had boyfriend. I didn’t feel comfortable. I liked another woman who again didn’t treat me right (you see the other pattern developing). Anyways, I graduated and came back home. Home to a life where I had to live with someone who didn’t believe in what I thought was my true self.

During this I really struggled keeping friendships, fitting in and not being hurt. I found a character on the tv and her actresses real life husbands band that started to turn things around for me. The day Alex Danvers came out was day I finally got myself. At least I thought I did. But in world where things are constantly changing that would change too. At that time, things like I never felt comfortable with being intimate (toward guys) and others as well.

The actress husband has a song about unmasking yourself. Written about their son with autism. And between these two things I was becoming ok with my reality. I had autism and I liked woman.

They were what held me together for a couple years there. Then there was the TimesUp movement which challenged my reality. I broke for first time since that challenging first year after. I had never delt with it. Deep down I still thought it was why I like woman (and why I forced myself to go dates with guys).

I found people and this actress who helped me realize the truth. And today if I think about I know it too. Man might make me uncomfortable but I liked that woman before this happened and it doesn’t mean I won’t like a man who understands.

It was around this time I found Wynonna Earp, At Clexacon. And I found a group of people willing to accept me for me. And tho it took couple more years to make into the Earper famdom I’m here and I stay (despite not always feeling like I fit in). Regardless thru Alex Danvers (and Maggie Sawyer and her actress who helps me be ok with my parents not accepting me) I met the wayhaught story and eventually the wynonna story.

And here we come to last year. The year where I really started to be my authentic queer self.
It was year of finding people who were ok without using a label. For awhile I thought had to fit in a box had to have label. Considering my hidden disability, being different was always how I was. We also live in a world where we are constantly told to be one way or the other. And I sill had a mother who didn’t quite understand.

However, when the actress who talked about not using a label at Clexacon on ComingOutPodcast was the moment I decided I could come out as pansexual, at the time I still wanted to fit in to box for my mother sake. And I came home from that I told my mother this was it was. Love is love. I’m going to like who I like.

It was until Kat came out and I had small conversation with her about it, that I really truly felt not using pansexual was the way to go for me. In her words, “let’s just love who we love cuz the world has bigger problems. “

And now with Dom coming out, being in love with “All humans” I’m even more sure of myself. Despite my mother telling me im only into girls to fit in. – see Maggie Sawyer’s line “I’m Already Good. “

Its been a rocky road. It’s been a long time coming, remember I said looking back I saw things. I always almost drawn to the woman I’m TV shows. Watching shows for woman. Yeah sure there was few man thrown in there. I remember a girl from high school, I’d always give her the jobro posters and looking back I had crush I wasn’t able comprehend. And that’s ok, I wasn’t ready. It would take abundance of factors and I wouldn’t change a part of it (I wish somethings didn’t happen but I wouldn’t be who I am today).

Just remember, as someone once told me, it’s ok not to know who you are.

Here goes one more time
Fuck Labels.
I love who I love.
Woman, Man.
White Black or Purple.
Gay, Straight.
Trans or Non Binary.
Be every color of the rainbow.
I too love ALL humans.

I am pansexual

Well I came out when I was in 3ed grade so about 9 years old and I dint quite remember haw I told everyone but I remember camping with my older sister and brother who are also bothe gay and twins. We where only 3 years apart roughly and I met this girl that I just gruled over and both hannah and alex where like giving me shit about it bc I was super close to them and we talked about everything anyway we ened up having a cheesy kiss under the slide at the park near the lake and then ran 2 my mom gushing about it and she was like WOW THATS GRATE. Then when we left she said t ok her mom this is my new BOYFRIEND and I was like I’m not a boy and she never spoke to me agen but I naw new that I didn’t cair who new. Naw some advice the bigidt risk in life is never taking any cuz then you will never know. And sorry my spelling sucks.

Lesbian and human

I knew I was different, in elementary school, but I didn’t know why. As I got older, I started learning about things that were never spoken about in the Mexican culture. I learned about sex through classmates when I was in elementary school. When I came home, I told my mom some of my peers told me about sex. My Mom immediately got upset, she told me they shouldn’t have revealed to me what that was, and told me to never speak to my school mates again.
As I grew older and entered middle school, I was looking for music on a computer. I found a folder that had a name thinking it was a music file and well it wasn’t a music file. As you can imagine, that was a bit of a shock. I shamefully closed the window as quickly as I could. However, curiosity got the best of me and I opened it again, several times. Finally, embarrassed and fearing being found out, I closed everything on the computer. These feelings that I stumbled upon, continued to grow throughout my formative middle school years. I began to realize how much more I noticed girls and not boys.
When I started high school, I knew that I liked women but I dated boys, because I was scared to come out to my parents. I did what I thought I should have done. I lost my virginity to a guy sometime in high school, although I didn’t feel any emotional connection. I did eventually find a great group of friends and we would remain close throughout the rest of high school. I had crushes on two of the girls in my friend group and I was still afraid to come out. The one crush was particularly devastating, as she was taken by my other male best friend. He wasn’t upset but it was still scary to come out because I wasn’t sure what the reception would be. I didn’t want to lose my friends. Not only that I was still questioning myself. I eventually lost touch with my high school friends unfortunately.
I did eventually come out to my parents near the end of high school. I told them after coming back home from a church retreat. I came out and told them I was bi ( I still wasn’t sure of myself at the time) my mom proceeded to call her church friends so they could pray the gay away from me. I complied with my mom’s wishes. I kneeled down and pretended to repent while crossing my fingers behind my back. My mother at one point screamed at god asking why she had been punished by having a gay child. After this we didn’t talk for a while.
Around the same time, I came out to my brother on the same day that he was going to give me a guitar as a christmas gift. I cried and I told him about my situation with Mom and Dad as well as my fear of losing people. He embraced me with the warmest hug and told me that I shouldn’t care what others think or worry about the religious factor. He told me he loves me no matter what. I was relieved and happy.
I was much more nervous to tell my sister, oddly enough she already knew. And we also never spoke about it again.
With Phoenix job corps came many new experiences and new crushes. I felt like I could finally be myself. I came to grips with the realization I am a lesbian and not bisexual. And today I finally find the courage to come out to you all as a Mexican American lesbian and I am authentically proud to be me.

I am bisexual

Well in 2018 when school ended I went to camp. While I was there I created new friendships. I learned from them about all different sexualities. I had only know of gay and lesbian. When I realized there was a way to like everyone or even just a boy and girl I felt different. I felt like a piece of my had changed in that moment. Then some of my friends were either lesbian or bisexual. I felt I had to do the same. I ended up saying I was bi. I didn’t actually know if i was but then I had done a lot of thinking what if I actually was. I got scared because I knew my sister would support but what about my parents.
My parents are very accepting but I still didn’t know. My dad though I didn’t know and got really scared, I had been watching riverdale and Choni came up my dad had walked past and said “what is this” I didn’t really think about it at first. Then while thinking I thought what if he doesn’t support. My mind went crazy. I was 10 at the time and didn’t know what to do. I love my parents dearly because without them I wouldnt be here. Because they took me in when I was just a tiny baby. I have always had support from them, but I was always scared to tell them anything. So when this came about I got scared. But I’ve learned i have to open up sometimes.
Well turns out I was truly bisexual. I ended up watching a lot of videos making sure. The videos made me more open minded and that there are other people out there struggling. Then I came across Wayhaught through the videos. I automatically fell in love with them. I realised that this is truly who I am and that I shouldn’t care about what people think. Then 6th grade happened.
That year was probably the worst. I had told people who I thought I could trust. Turns out I couldn’t, they had told the whole class that I was Lesbian even tho I was bi. I was terrified through that month because I didn’t know what they were thinking. I had been so confident that year after telling people. But when that happened I broke. I ended up feeling like trash. And i didn’t know how to handle it. Then that was when. I found my love for edits. They had helped a lot. Most of them were gay ships from tv shows or YouTube. The one that helped me most was Wayhaught. The edits of them made me feel better. Then the summer came around and I got Netflix. Finally I could watch Wynonna Earp!! The first time I watched it was for Wayhaught but then I actually fell in love with the show.
I felt loved more. During the summer me and my friend had become really close we were both able to talk about girls together. The summer made me feel wanted again and that I shouldn’t care if someone doesn’t accept me. When I went back to school this year for 7th I will admit I was a little scared but i had come with a plan. I didn’t even use it though. I chickened out and just said it was a rumor and that it was all a lie just because I got scared. Now I am still in 7th but I am more confident than ever. Yes it took a long while and it ended with really bad anxiety it was worth it knowing I am worth it.
I had accomplished one thing, I had come out to my sister!! Even tho I wanted to wait a little longer the universe had plans.
I have just finished rewatching Wynonna Earp for maybe the hundredth time lol. But now I am more confident to write this and declare my sexuality. Even tho it was a tough ride and it’s still not over I am here to say I AM OUT AND PROUD!! I deserve to be myself and not letting anyone’s opinions get I my way.