Community Rainbow Waves

Fluid/gay/lesbian

I’ve always had a strong physical connection with other human beings. Intimate energy draws me to people, especially in a romantic sense. Because of this, I grew up in many relationships with different boys. It wasn’t until after 10 months with my last boyfriend at 15 years old (I’m now 21) when I realised that something wasn’t quite right. I had never truly been intimate with any of my partners, and at this point I hadn’t yet done ‘the deed’ with him. The moment came and it didn’t feel special, I didn’t feel ‘in love’ is what I realised. So we didn’t do it, and I made the decision to end the relationship with him the week after. As cruel as it may seem, I was being more cruel to myself by keeping it going after the realisation.
5 months had passed and YouTube became my best friend. I discovered Ally Hills and Stevie Boebi, Shannon Beveridge and Cammie Scott, I watched them for months in pure denial that I was attracted to women. This was during Summer, when I wasn’t at school – most of my time was spent watching these YouTubers and doing ‘Am I gay?’ tests because I very extremely confused and simply didn’t want to admit the truth. I had a lot of internalised homophobia.
By the end of Summer, I had become so paranoid and depressed by internalising it, I had to tell someone. First, it was my best friend at the time. Then she told her mum, who was supportive of me. That same day I told my sister (who had been jokingly calling me a lesbian my whole life) and she gave me the courage to tell my mum. We weren’t a family who spoke about our emotions much, so me saying this to their faces was completely out of the picture. My sister told my mum for me, then my mum told my dad. It seems strange however, I’m not one to open up easily and for me, this was the best option. My mum smiled and welcomed me with open arms, I cried at the relief of her acceptance. I never spoke to my dad about it, but I knew he’d be okay with it.
It took a few months for my parents to stop mentioning boyfriends and realise it wasn’t a phase – I’m lucky that now I can openly talk to them about my relationships with girls and the future I have with my family, adopting or surrogacy in regards to my future children.
As I lived in a more conservative town, I came out to a heteronormative society. Because of this, it was hard to explain the decisions I made as a gay woman – explaining why I was a-romantic towards men however still very much gay. I was repeatedly told I was bisexual, which I knew wasn’t right and caused many arguments with my friends. After leaving my hometown to embark of university life, I was much more accepted and as I discovered more of my own confidence and identity, I realised that I am much more fluid in my choice of partners whilst still mainly preferring women. This was whilst also becoming more educated in gender and sexuality as I realised that I was also interested in non-binary people.
So, I am a fluid, gay woman. I am a proud fluid, gay woman. No one can tell me otherwise and I now don’t ever feel the need to explain myself. I know who I am, and that’s all that matters. If you know who you are, then nothing else matters. If you don’t know who you are, then that’s okay. You need to experience a journey before you get to your destination. Your destination may change, it may stay the same, but what matters is that your are happy and that you allow yourself to explore and enjoy the journey you face. – Scarlett (England, UK)

Lola

Hey, I’m a 14 year old girl and to start off let’s just say I’m very confused, I’m trying to figure out what I am and who I like but its difficult at my age especially when no one likes you back. When I was younger I remember never having crushes on female celebrity’s but I wanted to be them, one of my first crushes was harry styles and still is, and as for girls it was never celebs I was interested in, but my friends. I never knew whether I liked them, wanted to be best friends with them, or wanted to be them, since I had never felt that way to a girl before. Was I that one not normal kid who watched the girl in kissing scenes? made my barbie dolls wife and wife? And took quizzes to see if I was gay? (Which I still do to this day)

My first big real girl crush was someone in my year, and at the time it was almost a trend to be bisexual so most people said they were, apart from me, a part of me thinks that was because I knew deep down I was different and maybe bi and internalised homophobia wouldnt let me admit that, and still wont now, which is why I am so confused, but this girl, I was attracted to her personality more than anything, but it felt different to liking a boy, she was easy to talk to, I didnt have to act cool, so I thought “maybe I just wanna be friends with her it doesnt mean I like her right?” But this crush continued on and off to where I am now. Which is that I dont think I like anyone at the moment apart from the obvious celebs I adore of course.

It’s difficult to explain how I feel as I couldn’t imagine myself marrying a woman but is that just what society has drilled into my head? Is it internalised homophobia? I dont know. And I might not for a couple of years, and as frustrating as that is, it’s ok. I dont have to label myself right now, harry styles doesnt, hes confident right? Maybe I will never label myself and that’s still ok.

Queer!

i first realized that i wasn’t quite straight when i was 12. it was the scariest thing that had ever happened to me, and i tried to suppress my feelings for a couple years before i realized that i couldn’t live my life like that.
a couple months before i turned 17, i decided to stop pretending and stop hiding. it was both the most daunting and most relieving thing i’d ever done. i was extremely lucky to have friends that graciously welcomed me into their arms, and i am so incredibly thankful for them.
people that i grew up with were forced to see that lgbtq+ do exist, and that their existence is normal. my coming out may have been uncomfortable and scary at the time, but now, i’m so proud of myself for being open and true to myself, as well as opening the eyes of people that had previously held negative ideas about the lgbtq+ community.
i’m here, i’m queer, and i fucking love people.

Im just me, and I like it that way. Most of the time, anyway

I think, deep down I’ve always known. I’ve always been into the other stuff. Growing up, it was never the boys that I liked or looked up to. It was always the girls. And now, looking back. It kind of makes sense. How I always preferred Clary over Jace, and Isabelle over Simon. Although I’ve always loved Alec, but let’s face it. Who doesn’t? It’s always been Hermione, not Ron or Harry.

Only recently, I’ve come to see that, sometimes, yes, I do like boys, as well. Which came as a shock to me, because I’ve been out for close to three years now. But, my friends are the best. And when I told them I wasn’t entirely sure that I was “just” gay, all they said was that labels suck anyways and that they find them quite annoying and they themselves had struggled with that for quite some time. And I totally agree with that.

I don’t like labels. I think they suck. At least, I haven’t found one that fits. I’m just me. And I’m going to live whoever I’m going to love. And I’m going to be whoever it is that I’m going to be. Already am. And it’s great.

Painfully Beautiful

I went into fifth grade with the greatest belief that everything would be amazing. I was hoping to make many new friends and become someone that was independent for the first time. I was hoping for so many things, and got none of them. Fifth grade was the worst year of my life. It was a year that pushed me to the edge of everything and left me belittled and scared for what was going to come next.
The truth is that people often believe that fifth graders don’t have a good idea about who they are, what they like, or who they like. However, I was different. I can confidently say that fifth grade was the year that I realized that I was a bit unusual. I looked at boys with a fond eye, which is what I believed was normal, so when I first looked at a girl with that same eye, I became apprehensive. I wasn’t sure why I felt the same way and I didn’t know that what I was about to do would spark something horrible.
I walked up to this girl that I saw differently and told her, point blank, that I had feelings for her. I even remember writing her a poem and giving it to her as she stood outside of her locker. Nothing that I had done felt out of the ordinary, but as soon as someone noticed my gesture, all hell broke loose. The word got around very quickly that I was a lesbian. My classmates talked about me and laughed. They wouldn’t let me sit by them at lunch or be in their group for a project. At recess I walked alone, anxiously staring at a group as they continued to talk about me. I had never felt so isolated and alone, most of all, I had never felt so depressed. I, at the age of ten, considered taking my life. The pain that I felt kept building up and I didn’t know what to do. The only thing that kept me alive was my family.
Now, my family didn’t actually know that any of this was going on. Every day, I would leave my house with a smile on my face and come home with that same exact smile. My parents and two sisters had no knowledge of anything that was going on at school. They didn’t know that I would go into my room and contemplate why I should continue fighting and not just give up. However, if there is anything worse than what the kids were saying about me, making my parents cry would be cause the biggest pain in my heart. I could never hurt myself in a way that would leave them asking why I did something or cause them to wonder if they were the reason. Despite all of the pain that I felt throughout fifth grade, I would never leave this world for the fear that my parents would be left alone in it.
Denial was the only way that I made it out of fifth grade. I denied all of the events that had occurred and stepped right back into the figurative closet that has been created for people like me. Now, as a junior in college, I am more open with people about my sexuality. I have the biggest and best support system around me and could not be more thankful. I look at life through a new lens, filled with hope for anyone like me. I look back at fifth grade and hate it in so many regards, however, I also look at it and believe that who I am today would not be a possibility without those events. I believe that everyone deserves to be happy and I will never disregard someone for a belief or aspect of their life. I have also come to accept who I am as a person and I am no longer scared. I was so close to the edge with nobody near. Now, if I ever become close to that edge again, I know I will have multiple people behind me ready to help.

2nd generation Homo

I think I knew I was gay before I knew I was gay. To a lot of people that will make no sense and to so many others it will make perfect sense! I used to write on my diary about people I liked and make up boys names to use instead of the girls name, but still I didn’t reall realise i was gay. I have this clear memory of sitting with my friend when I was about 13 and telling her that when I imagine myself when I’m older and settled down, it is with a girl and my friend said cool so your gay then? And I remember being like what?! No, of coarse not…. It wasn’t until a few years later when I couldn’t stop thinking about my best friend at the time that it finally started to sink in, I think I might be gay. I came out when o was 15. When I told my friends they just sighed a breath of relief that I’d finally cottoned on. When I told my mum, who I was terrified to tell. She told me ‘ive known since you were 3 and wouldn’t wear a dress’ as soon as she said that I knew we would be fine. I mean it took a few years but we got there eventually. She may still say the odd comment here or there but she doesn’t mean to offend when that happens usually it’s just a lack of understanding and then we talk and it’s better. I came out when I was 15 and I’m now 31 so I have been out longer than I was in and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to be my age and only just being able to be your authentic self. My dad came out when he was 40 and I felt so much sorrow for him that he had to live so much of his life not being himself. He was always a bit of a grumpy man but that completely changed when he came out. He is 60 now and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him grumpy for even a minute on the last 20 years since he has been out. For anyone out there who is struggling with coming out, who is worried about what the people around them think. just remember you are part of a community, a community full of love and acceptance and we will always accept you. ‘the people who matter won’t mind and the people who mind don’t matter’

When you feel like there’s no way out, love is the only way.

I believe it all started when I was 11. I was at the mall with my family looking for fornitures, and as a child would do, I decided to explore the store. As I was looking around, I saw a huge TV that was passing this super colorful music video of a bunch of girls in school, they were also cheerleaders and seemed so happy, they even had a choreography, they got me hooked.
I couldn’t take that video from my mind so the first thing I did when I got home was try to find that video again, and I did! I found out it was from a South Korean girlgroup called Girl’s Generation and ever since I never stopped looking for more, I started to search everything about all the girls and it was love at first sight. I found a fanpage that had a chat in which I got to know more fans, and I made friends there (I still talk to some of them now, and I’m 20!).
It was a matter of time for me to find out about more and more groups, boygroups, groups with girls, and one or two coed, and as you might guess, I was more interested in girlgroups. It was also a matter of time for me to find out about ships. The girls where shipped between themselves, and even between other groups. Some of them were ships with boys from other groups, but it was never my cup of tea.

It was just natural for me. I was little, the reality was different, but when I got home and turned my laptop on… I saw girls from the other side of the world holding hands, cuddling, just being affectionate with each other in general. They never kissed, they never had to. It was pure, innocent love (we’ll never know, but I have my doubts!)… Beyond everything they had a connection and it was so beautiful to witness; many times it was entertaining, skinship, because the kpop industry used to have this to “please the fans” but you often felt like it was more than entertaining, you know? And that was my case.
So I lived happily in my online world until I was 13, and that’s when I started question my sexuality. I liked boys (or I thought I did), but I also wanted to “be one of the korean the girls”, or at least have what they have. It took me a while to realize because of compulsory heterosexuality that I didn’t want to be like them, I mean, not only that, I wanted what they had, the relationships that could’ve been more than friendships.
Besides what was happening in my own little world, I didn’t had my first kiss (spoiler alert, it only happened last year). I had a “boyfriend” when I was 8, but I used to run away from him to hide in the bathroom, because he wanted to kiss me, and when I was 16 a classmate pecked me, I did not want it, it was a surprise and I was so, so embarrassed I didn’t know how to react so I just pretend it never happened. Despite my looks, one or two boys used to hit on me. Around that age I thought I was bi.

I am a very lonely person, I never really had friends until I finished high school, my life started improving in 2018. I got into an university and it took a while, but I made friends and that’s when I fully embraced my sexuality.

I’ve always behaved as a queer girl on social media, ever since I was 14, I wasn’t afraid because those who know me, like my family, ex-classmates and etc didn’t have access to my accounts so I could be 100% myself. During senior year I promised I was gonna study and wait to watch all shows I’ve heard of, so when I graduated I started watching tv shows with queer representation, such as Wynonna Earp, Orphan Black, The Fosters, The Bold Type, Jane the Virgin… And I had the same interest for them as I had for the girlgroups back in 2012… I felt alive again. I had something to hold onto. They gave me strength, they made me understand that I’m deserving of love, that a woman can love woman and don’t be ashamed for that… It was just incredible. And that’s when I found out about Start The Wave.

College and the internet were a safe place. No one knew me and I saw many people of the lgbtq+ community being unapologetic themselves, and it helped me to finally let it out. One day jumped the gun and came out to two classmates; it went so well that I lost my fear and two weeks later the entire class knew I was a lesbian. Ever since, I’ve been so happy about it all that in 2019 I finally started going out, I even had my first kiss. My friends always encourage me too, and the best news is that during pride month last year I came out to both my mom and my dad! It was insane, in a good way. I have a better relationship with both of them now, I can finally say things without worrying about them finding out my sexuality and disowning me… Little by little I’m getting comfortable with and allowing myself to wear what I want, to say what i need to say around others, to express my love for women out loud.

I’m not ready to shout it from the rooftops yet, but I know I’m loved just the way I am, and there’s nothing better than that.

My name is Nerea. I’m a non binary/genderqueer and I like girls.

When I was only eight I realized that I liked girls, I didn’t understand the world like I do now and I didn’t know homophobia in it self. So I told my friends when I was something like 9. At the young age of eleven I decided to tell my mother of what I forced myself to be bisexuality, thinking that if she did not accept my homosexuality she wouldn’t be so mad. I am extremely lucky to be in a very understanding and open minded family. My mom said she was very proud of me to have the courage to speak my truth and to know who I was and accept it at only 11. At about twelve a girl in my class literally screamed that I was gay. I thought I was ready and whenever I would come out to one of my friends, it would this time be as lesbian. For two years I was bullied. I started having panic attacks everyday and I didn’t want to go to school anymore. When it became to overwhelming I thought about hurting myself (and I sometimes still do)… I did once or twice but nothing”extra”. At that point my dad knew I was gay and he helped like my sister who is, herself, an asexual biromantic. I had my friends and family to relate on and went to see a therapist. I’m now better and help a lot of my queer friends come out and know that it ok to be who we are and that we shouldn’t be ashamed. For a while I thought I was genderfluid and soon I realized that I felt like using they/them pronouns all the time. It felt right. Although it wasn’t easy understanding the gender confusion I was going threw, people were there and they had my back. I felt safe. I now use the term non binary/genderqueer and the pronouns they/them & she/her. All of that said I am only going to turn 15 in a few months and I still have a lot to learn and emotions to go threw. I am extremely lucky to be surrounded by open minded people. I know some don’t have that particular luxury. And I want to do everything in power to help them.

I hope my story will make a difference somehow. Love and know that you are not alone.

Nerea.

Sophie, 19, Queer and finally proud.

I always knew something was a little different about me since I was a kid. It always felt like people just didn’t get me. It wasn’t until I was 13, when I realised I liked girls. At first I was happy I had finally figured out what was different about me, I could put a name to it. But then I started to notice how others responded to my identity, with judgement, confusion and often disbelieve, I become scared and decided to hide who I am. It wasn’t until I turned 16 that I decided I couldn’t hide such a key part of myself any longer and began to accept myself by unlearning the negative perception I had gained. After a lot of introspection, I embraced my queerness and started to tell friends and even family. To my surprise everyone I’ve told so far has been accepting and celebrates who I am. I want to spread this message to others who may not be out yet. Never let a few unaccepting people stop you from being who you are, because you are enough.

Anne , Brasil

At 10, I discovered that there was something different, I realized that I was attracted to a girl who studied with me for a few years. But I was always afraid to expose myself by the judgment of the people around me, most of the time the family says that they accept you, but when we assume who we really are, there is a certain judgment, which is a very sad thing, because they they are always represented by harsh words that I will never forget. At 16, I met a woman who fell in love from the moment I saw her, at 18 I told my parents as a lesbian, and it was terrible. I married this incredible person, who helped me, as well as his family, to be someone better and not be afraid of anything. Today we are no longer together, I still have some fears, because my parents still think it was just a phase, just a long phase of 8 years ne! I continue to work with them and show that it was not a phase, and I am proud to show and raise the flag, and I know that nobody and nothing will silence me anymore. thanks for the opportunity to tell my story.