Community Rainbow Waves

Gay

Hi, I’m Monika and I’m from Poland. As you can know, in my country being no-heterosexual human is still very controvercial… Last year on Pride Paradę in Białystok, 5 thoustand pseuo-catholic man in t-shirt with inscripions about “God” interrupted the march. They were yelling to participants that they are preverts and should get the fuck out of their city. Finally they were threwing bricks at the participants, many of them needed to stay in hospital. This was happend because our government is lead by homophobes and with the church, before the parade, they were calling to “stop deviants”. In some cities and towns local governments passed the law called “zone free of lgbt ideology”… You can see how much, when you search in google “atlas of hate”. So it’s very difficult to live and come out in country like this… But I’m out! I want to tell a story about my coming out in my study group. I study medicine, presently on 3rd year. This story was happend at the end of 1st year. We were sitting in classroom and waiting for the last class of chemistry. Somebody ask the question “What would you do if your son would be gay?” and than it all started… My friend, who come from very catholic family said, that she would sent her son to the exorcist. I was totaly shocked… Then my other friend said that he would sent him to the good psychologist to treat him from” this”. That was very painful for me, because we’re going to be doctors, we can’t discriminate anyone… So I stood up and said “I’m lesbian!” Everybody quieted. Then few people said that is okey, good etc. I can say that this evet changed mind in my group and nobody said anything against LGBT community later. Because of it, I think it’s so important to be out, to change stereptyphical thinking about LGBT community and to support other people! In this moment I want to thank you Dominique for your coming out! It means a lot for people like me, which sometimes live in hostile envitonment and have to struggle with this everyday.

Living My Truth Paved The Way To Acceptance

Growing up in England I was abused by my grandma and mum. I don’t remember a time in my early childhood when I wasn’t looking outside the family for a “mother figure”. Growing up my dad told me I could be whatever I wanted to be, just not gay.

I came to America at 20 and went through 9.5 years of counselling to free myself from my past. For a long time I had wondered if I was gay or still just looking for a mother figure like I had in childhood. At the end of years of counselling and with my past behind me, I was able to say definitively: I am gay!

Then I had to tell my homophobic dad…he and my step-mum were stopping in LA for a few days on their way back to the UK from NZ. I went to my dad’s hotel and asked if I could speak to him alone. My heart was racing and I felt sick to my stomach. I had rehearsed what I was going to say to him for days. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I was very, very, VERY happily gay, then gave the biggest smile I could muster. He stared at me and started crying. I told him everything would be okay. He drank 5 PINTS of gin and tonic at the bar that night, and the next night.

He returned to England and I didn’t hear from him for 6 weeks. Then I got a 9 page, hand written letter in the mail from him. He wrote that I had crushed his dreams of me marrying a strapping American man who I would have kids with that would grow up to play rugby for England. My 3 1/2 year old nephew had died earlier that year and my dad compared me coming out to the death of his only grandson. It was devastating beyond words.

That was 12 years ago. 7 years ago I started watching “The Fosters” and 4 years ago I started watching “Wynonna Earp”. Both had positive queer representation with no strings attached. I realised through watching these shows that any lingering elements of self hatred were not mine, they were imposed feelings from others that I had taken on as my own.

I knew then that I could only be responsible for my personal truth and living my life in the most authentic way, no matter what. I would lead by example, I had NOTHING to be ashamed of.

I boldly introduced my dad to my then-girlfriend and he was amazingly accepting and positive. He could finally see how happy I was and after all I went through growing up, he knew I deserved happiness.

Today my dad has come full circle. Not only does he embrace who I am and is so proud of me for fighting so hard for the life I have, he also told me at my sister’s wedding that when the time comes, he would want to walk me down the aisle too.

Coming out wasn’t easy, but not being true to who I am was a WHOLE lot harder. I am happier with who I am now more than at any other time in my life!

No Labels, Just Love

As a young child, I was kind fascinated by lesbian relationships on tv; Bad Girls (UK), All Saints (Aus), The L Word (USA) etc. etc., but this was all on the downlow. I’d watch the shows with little to no interest during the day and devour fanfiction stories about them by night. I had some instances of “experimentation” with a friend or two, but that didn’t mean what I thought it meant, did it? I went to secondary school, had no boyfriends, stuck with my fanfiction, and found “hot male celebrities” to “have a crush on” to balance the “girl crushes” I had. In my mind, I was totally chill with this me who ~has crushes on men and women~, but in person? I didn’t talk about it with anyone; I was scared because I didn’t want to hurt people, upset them, lose them.

In year 10 (UK age 14/15), my social circle expanded and grew to include a girl my best friend had met in another class, L. She and I quickly became close friends and it was great, until I heard that L and her childhood best friend had ‘messed around together’. Here my brain was like “wowww, another non-straight girl like me!”. I became slightly obsessed, I’ll admit. L was my best friend but she’d flirt with me; call me sexy specs while having a boyfriend, snuggle up with me then go and see him. I thought I was in love with her. I eventually grew a pair, picked my self respect up off the floor and walked away from that hot mess.
After a while, I met a guy friend at work and we became really close, like brother and sister. One night we were chatting and he came out to me as bi, so I did the same back. It fit at the time, but it was also the easy way out; it was a label and not a label. He helped me to be open about not being straight in a way I’d never been able to before and I’m still so grateful for that. We eventually found Tumblr and it gave us a place to “be honest in a sea of strangers”; it changed my life, quite literally.

On Tumblr, I met a girl. This girl became my friend, then my best friend, then so much more. She was like nothing I’d ever met before, made me feel things in technicolour and UV. She taught me it was okay to be me, to be different, to be honest and feel the things I felt. She was the reason I came out, the reason I wanted to come out. The day we met in London, I left my mum a letter explaining about me, about us, and that I had made arrangements for somewhere else to stay if she wasn’t okay with me any more. Half an hour away from London on the train I received a text from my mum telling me that we were okay, she was okay, and that she loved me. That was now eight years ago, and that girl is currently sitting next to me on our sofa, in our home, the day after our eighth anniversary.

Coming out is something I do every time I meet someone new, but it doesn’t have to be a huge declaration. I used to be petrified about it; my heart rate would spike, I’d get sweaty palms, I’d be all stuttery and lame about it. But now? “Yeah, I live with my girlfriend.” “Me and my girlfriend went there”. “I went to visit my mum with my girlfriend”. The other day, I was asked at work if I was a gay woman (due to my rainbow lanyard, not out of the blue!). Even a year or two ago, that question would have sent me into a panic. But this day, I held my head up, kept eye contact and said “yeah, I am”.

I still don’t really like labels or definitions but: I am a woman in love with another woman and that is okay.

Lili

A part of me always knew, since I was a child I had a class of attention for women, I always liked to be helpful with them, to take care of them, to be for them.
But I had never seen this kind of relationship until I was 13 – 14 years old, that’s when I realized that this society and my family would not receive me with open arms. And I struggled for years to stop being myself, it was a very difficult time, where I hated myself. I told myself that this was going to happen and that I wasn’t really a lesbian.
It was that time with that girl, that only by the touch of her hand with my hand I knew that this was not a stage that was totally wrong.
Then I met someone like me who lived her life freely, we became friends. I filled her with questions because I wanted to know why this had happened to me, was it normal? Why couldn’t I get the woman I liked out of my mind? Should I tell my parents?
I am grateful that she helped me to find myself and not wish for death, I know she went through her hell too.
And I also discovered that it was not just her and me but that a very large community was supporting and encouraging us to go and get these colors out.
Now I am proud of who I am, I have no doubt. I know it’s still hard for me, I have no support in my family. But that doesn’t stop me, if I have to walk alone, I will do it.
Thank you for this space, Dom, you also had a hand in finding out where I belong.

The Long Road To Acceptance

CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION ABOUT SELF-HARMING BEHAVIOUR.

It all started when I was 12 years old and I had my first experience with lesbian representation on tv. For some reason I couldn’t get it off my mind and I sat alone in my room wondering if it could be possible… could I be gay? The answer was clearly yes but my young, innocent self didn’t figure it out that easily. I went through the stages, denial, denial, oh she’s beautiful… wait, denial, denial, denial. At this time in the world the whole concept of LGBT+ was taboo and so separate from what is taught to us as ‘normal’ that I believed something was wrong with me. This couldn’t be happening to me. I was 12-13 years old and I already hated myself.

I then felt, that because I had discovered this aspect of me, I had to come out immediately. Isn’t that how it goes? I was pressured by a ‘friend’ to tell them my secret but the fear consumed me and I couldn’t do it. I now know it’s because I wasn’t ready but that didn’t matter to her and I wrote my secret on a small piece of paper in class. She opened it and class was over. I felt sick and terrified. That’s not where the note stopped and instead it made it’s way to someone else… Then you know how school is. The next day a lot of people knew. I don’t even know who did or didn’t to this day but at the time it felt as though my whole world knew and they were all staring at me. I lost all of my friends. I had no one. It made me feel dirty. I didn’t want this anymore.

I didn’t deal with this well at all or in a healthy way. I was cowering to the farthest corner of the closet trying to grasp onto the darkness with all of my strength. The same person that received my note first showed me how to take my fear, disgust, punishment out on myself physically. It didn’t help but I needed control over something because I was lost. The darkness of that closet spread to my life everywhere and I was very close to ending the darkness all together…

I made it, I’m not sure how, but I made it through school and at 16 years old I was free of those people and the label of being gay. So I left the label there and I pretended like I’d never even considered it to begin with. For another 3-4 years I lived in blindness of who I was and did everything I could to stop any thoughts of the past and the rainbow. To be honest, for a while it worked but was I happy? Was I comfortable? Did I deserve it? No absolutely not.
I started university, I got with guys. I got told I should be getting with guys. Does it feel like this for everyone? Maybe you aren’t supposed to really like it? I did not enjoy it but I was still covering my eyes and ears from anything other than what was expected. I guess I actually drank enough to dull my senses and not acknowledge what was really happening. Yes, my use of physical harm on myself moved to borderline alcoholism. I mean it is university after all. But this way of living helped me kiss who I wanted to kiss and be with who I wanted to without explaining myself almost. When you do kiss who you are meant to, I am telling you, it feels amazing and right and everything it should. Wait… can I actually do this? Look around, people here don’t care. No one cares. Yes, please be yourself. It feels too good not too.

Watch out, your rainbow is showing! Finally.

It doesn’t matter how I got here or how long it took. What matters is that I did. This is my journey. It is beautiful.

I managed to find my truth and even though it took counselling and a breakdown to grieve my straight self I am me and I found someone outstanding to love along the way.

I finally accept myself, the love of my support system which I am incredibly lucky to have and the love from myself. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy or it is always sunshine now but it is true and it is free. I still get looks when I hold my girlfriend’s hand in public. I still get approached by people when I decide to kiss her in public. I still don’t tell people I first meet about my sexuality because I don’t want to be judged. I still scout out any representation I can of LGBT+ content in media because we still don’t have enough (but thank you for what we do have, just don’t kill off all the lesbians please). However, I will take all of that because I also love this unique part of myself and I really bloody love love.

It is getting better and we are all in this together. I am thankful for my story and I am thankful for my gay.

So breathe, take your time, love yourself and make waves. You got this!

Love, Hannah.

#OUTISTHENEWIN

Bi

Last year when I watched Wynonna and ever since then I have watched girls and wanted them as muck as I wanted boys but I not out yet as I am still in school and scared of what people think as my friend is out and gets a lot of hate and I am scared

Megan

I truly believe that stories are the way we connect and reflect the bravery, challenges, love, and fear that is this human experience.

I knew I was attracted to girls at the age of seven/eight. Because I had feeling for my friend – I couldn’t name the feeling and it didn’t feel wrong in any way. My friend would sit on my lap and I’d feel so much love for her. As time went on, I released this was not ‘normal’ and no other girls were talking about girls but only boys, so I ignored my feeling for girls for years and years.

I lived in a small town in South Africa and I literally felt like the only gay in the village. If there was any mention of LGBTQI people, it was always in disgust and a negative light. So I was terrified about my feelings. I felt so alone, scared and confused. And then at university (in this small town), I started falling in love with my best friend and it was unbearable. I slipped into a deep depression and started taking antidepressants.

And then something magical happened, I found Youtube but more specifically a LGBTQ channel on Youtube called ‘The Beaver Bunch’ and for the first time I saw real life bisexual, queer, lesbian, trans people living their lives open and proud. I think I watched every single video and keep finding more and more channels. And just like that I didn’t feel so alone and decided to come out. First I came out to the Youtube community in a video and they welcomed me with open arms, love and support. I felt so overwhelming by the support that it gave me the courage to come out to my family.

Coming out to my immediate family didn’t go as well as I had hoped, my dad and sister could care less I was gay but my mum took it hard. She was and is my rock and when I felt her pull away, it broke my heart. I can say now a decade later, she is my biggest ally and supporter.

Besides my mum, all others I came out to were supportive. I feel very blessed and haven’t experience any negative ramifications regarding my sexuality.

I’ve been out for a decades this year and in the same year I came out I met my future wife. I’ve never known a love like I love her. She’s been my best friend, soul mate, and lover for 10 years. But this year just as covid went into full swing, she at the age of 36 was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. To say it’s been a tough time is an understatement, it’s been a living nightmare. All I can do is watch the woman I love and adore fight every day to be here. We exist on the edge of hope and despair every day, and live every day for the small moments of joy that we can find.

So to end, I just want to let everyone know that at the end of the day all we have is love. And love has nothing to do with our physicality, race, gender, or sexuality – but our souls. I hope one day this world will wake up to this and embrace love as the compass the guides us. Light and love to all.

I’m autistic and queer…

It is exceedingly difficult in itself having a condition like autism that has made you different since you are born. It is difficult to be singled out as a child as different, and to be judged for your behavior, for the way you communicate, for how you think or see the world. But, how difficult it is, when growing up you realize that autism was not your only difference but also who you have been attracted to. It is a very lonely journey, doubly judged, where anxiety, fears take over you. Feeling confused, that you do things wrong, is a very heavy burden. but, you have to be brave, brave to assume who we really are. Assuming that the way you process the world is not wrong, nor who you decide to love. The journey through life is uphill, but not because of what they will say you must stop being you.

LivingVicarously85

My story starts very similar to Dominique’s. I know now that I always knew I was into girls as well as boys, but it took me 26 years and falling head over heals in love to accept that. Growing up I didn’t have anyone in my life that identified as anything other than straight and my passion for escaping life through tv, movies, and books, there was never any other representation other than straight. As I grew into my womanhood, I have fond memories of my mom and sister asking me if I was gay and telling me that it didn’t matter, they just want me to be happy. I was lucky in that aspect, but I couldn’t accept that it was okay and continuously fought them on this claiming I liked BOYS. I was scared. One day my mom and I were watching our favorite day-time soap show All My Children and a beloved character on the show came out as a Lesbian, my mom hoped that this was inspire me to come out as well, but all I remember is how terrified the character was and how people started to treat her differently. Added to that, gay people weren’t treated nicely where I lived. In high school I can vividly remember the girls who came out and how horrible they were treated by fellow classmates. In college, I lost my dad to cancer and dived head first into being a role model on campus and making a positive change, but the one organization that worried me was the LGBTQ+ because by this time I was so worried that they would be able to see a part of me that I had buried deep inside of me. I liked guys and that was that (even though I had yet to have an actual relationship with one).

As life went on there was always a nagging voice in my head asking what if, but by this time it surely must be too late to come out and now that I worked with students full time, what would that mean for my career? Would I stop getting jobs because I may like girls? Nope, gotta be straight, there will be a guy one day that I will fall in love with.

Then it happened… that moment that I was scared would one day come. I met her. I had just started a new job where I would be living onsite with 14 other educators teaching outdoor education and on the first day of moving into my new house, a group of girls walked into my room and asked if I wanted to go grocery shopping with them. I remember the first time I looked at her and felt the butterflies.

She was going with them and I was going to get to know her. She would become my best friend, I would make sure of that. As our friendship grew (it felt like finding my other half) we both quickly became to realize that there was more to what was between us than just friendship. I started fighting that, it wasn’t right, I am straight. For 4 months I fought my feelings for her until 1 night I couldn’t fight it any longer and we shared our first kiss. It was like FIREWORKS going off. Honestly the most passionate kiss of my life.

We navigated life for the next 6 months as life threw everything against us. For starters, my new partner wasn’t keen on being out of the closet (understandably so), my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and just a mere 8 months into our relationship, my girlfriend (which omg how exciting to say that!) had to return back to the UK due to her visa. Needless to say we didn’t last as a couple, though our love for one another has never died and we continue to be very close friends. My life also sent me from the USA to Australia unexpectedly and with a breaking heart, I left my mom with promise to return, but she had other plans and passed the day after I arrived in Australia. She accepted me for everything I am and told me to go be free for once. If only for that, I could never thank her enough, but she was also just an incredibly, loving and amazing woman for whom I was blessed to be raised by.

In Australia I knew no one my age, and lived in an area of Sydney predominately non English speaking, so I looked online for a way to meet people and I discovered The Sydney Gay Girls on meetup.com. What would it feel like to just be gay??? To meet people who automatically saw me as a lesbian and didn’t care?? For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel judged. I went to my first meetup with 6 other girls and felt like I was finally living as my true self. I quickly started hosting meetups with a friend and now 8 years after coming out (spending the first 2 years still in the closet), I am getting ready to marry the most amazing, beautiful woman and continuing to spend the rest of my life living true to myself.

I share my story because I was afraid when growing up what society might think of me. I only had Xena as a model and as amazing as she was, even her show was afraid to fulfil that last confirmation. Today there are more and more representation of the LGTBQ+ in culture (thank you Dom for being a HUGE part of that), and I hope that the more stories there are and more acceptance, that one day people wont even question who you love and how you identify, it’ll just be normal being you.

The world is a beautiful place filled with beautiful people.

Sometimes we just need a little storm to let the rainbows shine brightest.

Come out and shine with me <3

#OutIsTheNewIn

Lesbian or bisexual who prefers girls, I’m not sure.

I realized I liked girls around the age of 11 but had been confused for many years before that. When I was 8 I chose to cut all my hair off and become one of the boys. I had heard about transgender people on school and thought that explained how I felt. It felt good walking around in clothes from the boy section and looking like a boy but whenever someone actually thought I was a boy I’d get uncomfortable because that wasn’t who I was. Some older girls that I looked really up to would always bully me at school, call me a boy-girl or ask me “what are you?” And refer to me as “it”. They would call me gay as if it was something wrong with it way before i even realized that I was gay. Only a few months after cutting my hair I chose to grow it out again. I started dressing very feminine and didn’t want anyone to think I was different at all. I remember crying myself to sleep when I was 10 because all the other girls had crushes on boys and I hadn’t liked anyone yet. We were making PowerPoint presentations at school when I figured out that asexuality was a thing. I spent the entire class to google different sexualities and didn’t have anything to present at the end of the class. Thinking I was asexual was calming because I knew I wasn’t the only one but scary because I didn’t think I would be able to love anyone at all. I realized I liked girls when my best friend came out when we were 12. Her coming out made me realize that girls could also be an option. After I thought about it for a while I accepted that I liked girls and started coming out to people. I only came out to about 5 people, but one of them told some one else and the rumor started to spread.

It has been going around for a few months now. People have been asking my friends about it too. Some of them have told them but most of them have just said they didn’t know. Im starting in 8th grade in a few weeks which means switching to a bigger school. I want to take the opportunity and change myself, give them no reason to believe the rumor even tho it’s true. It would probably not work since I’ve known over half of the people for over 7 years already but I’ll probably still give it a try. I don’t want to get any attention at the new school. Blending in is my goal but I’m pretty bad at that. Im tall, big and very socially engaged. If someone is homophobic I will call them out for it, if they make a racist joke I will tell them that it’s not okay. Arguing about immigration politics with white supremacy teachers and informing other students about different sexualities and gender identities doesn’t make you blend in. It makes people think you’re gay and supporting terrorist. Supporting human rights are looked at like a bad thing. I really don’t wanna come out anymore. After hearing what people have said about me only because they’ve heard from someone that I’m gay I really don’t think I ever will. I recently found out that one of my best friends are homophobic and that she thinks gays deserve die and that it’s wrong to be attracted to people of the same sex. She told me that she loved me the same week. As much as I would love to leave her behind and not talk to her again, I can’t. Because she cares about me as a straight person so if I just keep it that way, it won’t be a problem. And to be honest, I care about her too. I shouldn’t, but I do.

I don’t know if any of this made sense but I’m only 13 and English isn’t my native language so this is kinda hard.

Respect to everyone who has come out. I’m very proud of you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. You’re brave and I hope you’re well. And for those who haven’t come out yet, I’m cheering for you<3