Community Rainbow Waves

Lesbian

i guess i knew i wasnt straight when i was watching greys anatomy and started liking amelia shepherd and lexie grey a little too much. i sort of obsessed over them and realized that wasn’t a thing straight girls did. i tried calling myself bisexual and it worked for a while, but eventually i realized i didn’t really like men the same way i like women. i told one of my close friends, and she encouraged me to tell my other friends. a year and five months ago i came out to my sister, and she said she wasn’t surprised. two weeks later i started dating one of my best friends, and we’ve been together for a little over a year and four months. then, 8 months ago, i came out to my mom. she wasn’t thrilled about me dating at 14, but she really didn’t care that i was gay. now she makes gay jokes with me and tells me to invite my girlfriend over for dinner. i’m glad i got the courage to come out, and im insanely grateful to my family for being so accepting and okay with it. so here i am, typing my story into a website. my name is hannah, i’m 15 years old, and i’m a proud lesbian.

I am still unsure about this part. Still figuring it all out! All I know is that I am not straight.

I think there had always been a little niggle in my mind, something that told me perhaps I was different. I had crushes on guys when I was a teenager, but I think a part of me was always drawn to girls. I briefly wondered whilst at university, when I had a so-called ‘girl crush’ on a member of my cricket team, but someone explained it away by saying that all girls had them at times and it didn’t mean anything romantic. Over the years, I’ve had guys express an interest in me and even ask me out, but I always felt awkward and embarrassed, and ended up not speaking to them again. I just thought it was because I didn’t feel the same way, that I wasn’t attracted to them in return.

So, I dismissed it. Until it starting happening more often over the years. I found myself drawn to women – in real life, on TV, in films – more often than not. Yet it wasn’t until a few months ago, at the age of 32, that I seriously started questioning it. It was whilst living abroad, alone, away from my family and friends in the UK, that I started to think about it – consciously – and had nobody to really speak to. I had never had any friends who were part of the LGBTQ+ community growing up, and nobody ever really spoke about it. It wasn’t until I watched three separate TV shows (Glee, Atypical, then finally Wynonna Earp) in the space of a few months that I realised that I definitely wasn’t straight. Wynonna Earp, in particular, helped me come to that realisation and consolidated what I had begun to suspect, and I will be forever grateful that I discovered the show when I did, to the writers, directors, and cast for their genuine portrayals of the characters and the way this helped me figure out the truth after so many years.

I eventually broached the idea with my dad and a friend when I went back home for another friend’s wedding in February, but it wasn’t until last week (May, 2020) that I finally told my parents over the phone that I was almost certain that I was gay. And they were so supportive, said that they just wanted me to be happy, and they had always been worried that I would be alone forever given my apparent disinterest in dating guys. It didn’t matter to them with whom I found that happiness. And, really, nobody was surprised. Perhaps they knew all along and it just took me longer to figure out…

A part of me will always look back over the years and regret not finding myself earlier. But then I think I can finally look to the future and find my happiness, wherever it may lay and with whomever it may be. My dad has always said things work out the way they are meant to in the end, and I’m beginning to believe that may be true.

Gay

I knew I was attracted to girls as soon as I knew what attraction felt like, but every time the thought presented itself I promptly decided that it was a problem for future me to deal with.
Initially this was because me as an 11 year old didn’t care too much about much to have a serious think about things, but as time progressed and I learnt words like ‘lesbian’, and ‘bisexual’ on the playground and (slowly) through media the more I realised that what I was feeling was associated with those words.
Once it had a name, it was a thing and it had to be dealt with.
However the name my feeling had was given to it by my peers, who in our first year of high school (middle school for Americans I guess) would still lace those words with mistrust and hate.
Over my dead body would I be associated with something like that when I was just leaving my 11 year old book-nerd-with-a bad-haircut-self behind. So, I shoved those feelings right down and hoped they’d go away, and honestly boys aren’t THAT bad maybe I can have a nice life with a man or maybe I’ll just get one of those jobs where you’re too busy to get married?
Like our beautiful founder I was hoping it would all go away. This remains my coping method in most things to this day.
Anyway then came the years where i talked to the boys my friends said I should on Snapchat and then avoided them at ALL COSTS in school, and I started to really admire women that I’d see on tv or even my friends…. completely obliviously.
I was on the field hockey team for Christ’s sake.
In high school I was quite popular, in that I hung out with the cool kids and people knew my name. I had friends in other high schools so I went to lots of parties and my big sister could buy me alcohol so I had street cred. The field hockey team was where all the cool girls gathered and we’d always joke about how none of us were lesbians despite the trope (lol).
This was a precarious situation. I was a people-pleaser and probably always will be. I would say anything to be liked and stay in a comfortable second row of that pyramid ( I was still living under the shadow of that haircut).
I told myself that I didn’t care anyway so it didn’t hurt to keep it secret.
I also had a best friend whom I was madly in love with. Standard.
When that friendship ended it was as a result of my feelings and my unfair expectations of her and it meant I had to confront them finally.
I was scared because the the people that I loved and counted on were casually homophobic about gay people that we knew. They would say it was their hair or humour they didn’t like but in reality it was that they were different. We were young and stupid and mean and I was terrified of being rejected by them. I was terrified of not being invited to sleepovers, or girls not changing next to me before PE.
All these years I’d been rejecting my own feeling I’d turned them into something ugly in my head. I like dressing in a typically ‘femme’ way. But like not all the time that’s so much effort??? But if I looked in the mirror and felt my hair wasn’t long enough or I didn’t have enough makeup on or felt like I’d gained weight, I thought everyone would know I was gay. As adolescents we’d moved on past ‘gay’ being an insult. Now you had to be afraid of ‘butch’ and ‘dyke’.
I decided that the only possible way to come out and not be rejected was to be as conventionally attractive as possible, died my hair blonde, wore more makeup, shorter dresses, higher heels. All of these were fun in moderation. I lost a lot of weight very quickly and not very safely.
I do whatever it took to fit in because I thought it would make people question me less if I came out. I started to drink a lot and one night in with my three closest friends, I got blackout drunk and when I woke up I’d come out to them.
One way to do it.
Anyway they were so brilliant and it turned out that I just needed to spit it out.
Not just that obviously, I needed to become comfortable with my own body, my sexuality, my emotions and bloody hell I needed some healthy coping mechanisms.
At the ripe old age of 18 I’m not as comfortable as I’d like to be but it’s a journey and I’m on my way.
I started looking for positive representation and that’s when I found Wynonna Earp and wayhaught and Dominique Provost Chalkley who is just too beautifully brave . I also found this beautiful community she created and within it I could not be prouder to be a lesbian woman who is beautiful however I dress, and who is always trying to be kinder and spread more love because of this amazing woman who was brave enough to share her story.
Tonight I’m coming out to my parents and I’m gonna tell them about this gorgeous girl I’ve been seeing, big hugs to everyone telling their stories xx

Bisexual

When I was a kid, I was told a very narrow and close minded story about how women are only supposed to love men. Backed with the fear of that narrow thought, I pushed aside how I felt about other girls my entire life. I remember being small and having a best friend and loving her in such a deep and profound way and not knowing what it meant, being fearful of what it meant because I was told that I was supposed to love a boy the way I knew I loved my friend. As I got older, my parents began to change and became more understanding about what love means because I’ve tried to explain it to them and make sure they know that love is genuine no matter what gender you are or how you choose to identify. Last year, with nerves and fear, I finally told my mom that I like girls. I’m still attracted to guys but that just means I’m comfortable with and identify with being a bisexual female. My mom was way more accepting than I thought she would be. She told me that no matter who I love, she just wants me to be with someone who loves me as much as she knows I would love them. And my dad, who was my biggest fear ( he raised me very strictly before he began to see things in a different, more accepting way) told me that I’m his daughter and as long as I’m happy, then that’s all that matters. I realize that my story is much lighter than others. I see my brothers and sisters ( non-binary sibs too of course!) struggle and suffer to be free and I am with them. I love them. Every single one of them. I hope that you can find the peace and tranquility that you deserve to be your most authentic self. You are SO SO loved by me, by everyone in this community that is based on true, real, and authentic love. Thank you for allowing me to share.

A queer

I haven’t come out yet and I don’t think I will ever have that courage to actually tell my parents on who I really am inside.

It’s really kind of hard, for I’m part of a household that doesn’t exactly completely accept people like me (Maybe in the part where boys like boys, they have already accepted and welcomed that part but not wholeheartedly yet). So what if I ended up liking girls, would they be ashamed of me and force me to be someone I’m not? It’s scares the shit out of me.

Yes, my parents and aunts and uncles have friends who are part of the LGBTQ+ community and they accept them. But having one in the family is different for them, are they ashamed of having one in the family? I guess they are because if they aren’t, then why am I so nervous like this? just the thought of actually finally coming out really scares me.

I’m afraid of the thought of seeing them looking at me differently and weirdly. Being judge, nobody wants that. I don’t want that.

I know what my family are like. Both households doesn’t accept people like me. I accepted that. So I told myself “Alright, if coming out means they’ll be ashamed of me and will look at me differently, then I shouldn’t just come out. It’s for the best. No awkward situations. I don’t have to deal with those judgy eyes. All is well.”

I’ve had that mindset since forever. Then one day while I was cleaning up, I ended up finding and reading my elder sister’s diary. When I read it, I found out that she’s a lesbian and she has girlfriend and they’ve been together for ten years now. Still, they couldn’t shout and tell the world that they deeply love each other and I pity them.

It made me realized more how scary and judgmental the community can be. It made it even harder for me to come out. In this community I live in who believes that women should be with men and never women with women and men with men is a scary community.

So I did a little observation and experimentation on my friends. I found out that most of them accept gays just like my family but not lesbians like my family again. So now my next question is, “why?” Why don’t they like lesbians?

I searched and searched for the answer to my question. And the only answer I got was because “they’re disgusting” What kind of answer is that!? Why are they disgusting?

They’re only humans who chose to love. Just luck would have it, they fell in love with the same sex as them, they didn’t force themselves to be lesbians, it just happened because their heart chose to beat for that person and now they’re in love.

After discovering that fact, I pitied my sister and her girlfriend even more. Now I know why they’re hiding, it’s because the community is way too toxic. It might destroy them and eat them alive.

Now, I’m trying my best everyday not to fall in love with anyone. Not even with boys and if I ever ended up liking someone be it a boy or a girl, I keep it all to myself. I’m good at hiding my emotions anyway but I’m not confident enough that I can keep holding up and can keep fighting love.

It’s a difficult enemy. I don’t know how long I can keep holding up. It’s pure torture but I chose this path and it’s stupid and I’m a coward, I know all of that.

So I’m very proud to those who have chosen truth about themselves. Toast to those courageous people, toast to everyone who has finally come out of the closet and our now living the life they want with the people they want.

A Confused Girl:)

I’ve always been terrified to accept myself and i’ve never been truly comfortable with who i am. It all started to get a little fuzzy around the age of 11, i was attracted to a girl, and i was so confused about who i was. No one else in my school were part of the LGBTQ+, well none were out anyway, so i felt alone. I remember thinking to myself that it would just go away, that i just thought she was pretty. A year later i had told everyone i was straight and that it was just a phase and i don’t know what was going through my mind. Now, aged 14, i’m finally figuring out myself again. I’ve met some incredible people who are part of LGBTQ+ and they’ve helped me find myself. I remember that i used to look up pretty girls, and that i used to have obsessions with actresses. I found Wynonna Earp on youtube. It was nice to see a lesbian couple portrayed in an incredible show. i remember going straight to instagram, i followed every wayhaught fan page i could find, i followed the whole cast and made many pinterest boards of wayhaught. it was then i realised that i most certainly, was not straight. I’m still figuring myself out, and i hate putting labels on myself if anyone asks me. for now i’m calling myself a bi-sexual, or i like whoever i like. maybe one day i will find myself more, but i want to say thankyou for inspiring me to spread my story and show that there is nothing wrong with being something other than straight. i have faced many homophobes recently and i want to tell people that it will get better. thankyou Dom:) Xx

A queer, two-spirit, lesbian, drummer, nature witch who writes, draws, makes things and has the spirit of an owl, whale and dog

Growing up, I didn’t know anything about the LGBTQ2IA+ community. But I always knew when I was a kid that I liked other women. Like so many others, I suppressed my feelings and kept asking myself why I didn’t feel an attraction to men. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it as I’ve always been honest about what I like and what I like to wear. But my Mum had made some homophobic comments as I grew up which made me feel like there was something wrong. It was only when I went to university that I realised I was gay. I was watching the episode of Supergirl where Alex came out to her sister, and I felt so connected to that scene as I felt like I was watching myself. So, I decided that day to come out to my sister but the funny thing is, she said she already knew. It took me a little longer to come out to my Mum but she surprised me and said it didn’t matter. She would always love me for who I am. Even my Nana who has always expressed quite a traditional outlook on life didn’t even bat an eyelid. I think it goes to show that if your family truly loves you, they will accept and love you no matter what. They might just need time. I feel so fortunate and lucky that my family have been so supportive and loving as I know so many don’t experience that. I’ve always been different in so many ways but I know that I can say I’m so proud to be queer and a lesbian because it’s who I truly am and I feel so happy to know I can be my authentic self. I met my girlfriend at university too which inspired me to come out to my family as I didn’t want to hide that part of myself anymore. If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be to trust your family and never be afraid to be the amazing person you are.

GAY / LESBIAN

I realised that I was different when I was 14 years old. I grew up in a pretty strict christian family, so I was scared. I believe in god myself and that’s why I prayed every day for two years for my “problem” to go away, to “turn” straight. But at one point something was telling me that nothing was wrong with me. That I was born this way and that I should be proud of myself for what I am and what I’ve been through.
I started to tell some friends that I’m into girls and for most of them it wasn’t even a big surprise. After that I told my family. First my mother, after that my brother. The last one was my father. He was homophobic in the past so I was really afraid of telling him. But he told me that he loved me anyway und our father-daughter-relationship has never been better. He is really proud of me and of who I am today. Together, we even talk about how “complicated” women are, haha.
One day, not long after telling him that I was gay, I called him on the phone. He was driving home from work and it was the first time I told him about a girl. He said to me “I wish you could see me right now. I have tears in my eyes. I’m so happy for you and so proud.”

People can change. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes people won’t understand. But, YOU are precious and worthy, remember that! Be good to yourself. You’re not alone. We’re all in this together. It will get better!

Shows like Wynonna Earp that have LGBTQ+ characters in it really helped me getting through the rough times.
So thank you for that!

Now I’m 22 years old and still waiting for the love of my life. But I’m optimistic that I’ll find her one day.
Greetings from Germany,
Livia

I really can´t…identify myself…but it´s okay I think!

First of all, my first language is german.. so if i make mistakes (and there will be many I suppose) i apologize!

I want to make it short: I´ve never felt as a woman and I´ve never felt as a guy. i don´t know, I mean, it´s not important for me. biological i´m a woman, yes, and if you would see me you would also say that i´m a woman- but i don´t feel it-i like unisex clothes, sometimes i watch soccer and shout and drink beer, the next day i watch a walt disney film and cry- i´ve never liked or was even interested in things most girls like and also in things most guys like- as a kid or teenager i felt like an alien, now i´m happy the way iam. i don´t like the expectation society has on women- so what, yes im biological a woman, yes i don´t want kids, no also not in ten years, no i´m not married to a guy, blabla..

my coming out was a difficult- i always knew that i like women. i´ve never, and i´m 33 years old now- had feelings for men- maybe i fall in love with a guy when i´m a granny, who knows, but it never happened to me.
when my family found out (for me, it was always okay and normal) my parents throw me out of the house- i was 17. i had nothing, i didnt know what to do with my life, there was no perspective.
because i had to switch my places to sleep (mostly sofas of friends, we were young, not many of us had an own apartement or something like this)
i couldn´t concentrate on learning, doing my school etc… so i also lost the oppurtunity to do my final exams in school.
i had many difficult years, and i was so young…when i think back now, there was too much alcohol, too many parties and too many risky situations.

it all sounds very sad, and heartbreaking, but you know what?
I´m married know, to a wonderful woman, i finished university and i´m a social worker now- and try to help people manage their lives. in the past i always wished to have a social worker who helps me- now i try to be the person for other people.
so, there´s a happy end, i had good people in my life and i always trusted in myself- maybe i was just lucky, who knows 😉

A very gay introvert!

I was like 10 or 11 years old when I realized I really like girls, from movies, to tv show even in real life. It was though at first, because I kept denying it that I am not Bisexual, that I am straight. But as time pass by, I accepted myself for who I am. I came out to my friends first, they absolutely knew I was Bi. I then came out to my classmates and the whole school knew it. Some think it was so cool, some didn’t quite like it. When I met my girlfriend (we meet on a dating app ^_^ , I knew it in myself that I really really like her. Like she’s the one for me. I came out to my mom, It wasn’t easy tho. But she did accept me. And my brother is cool with it he doesn’t have any problem me being Bi at all. I am still try my best to come out to the rest of the family. Wish me luck!