Community Rainbow Waves

THE WAY TO YOURSELF BEGINS WITH LOVE

Love for a woman is the most beautiful thing that happened in my life.

I’ve always been a weird kid who wasn’t interested in relationships. I didn’t like boys and I didn’t like girls. I was fascinated by my inner world and the mysteries that fill my life. But I confess: “All my life I have been looking for a friend with whom I would like to share my discoveries.”

At the age of 16, I went to another school and met a girl. It seemed to us that we were once very close, which amazed us. One accident helped me become aware of my feelings. Unfortunately, they were not reciprocal. I was able to suppress these feelings in order to move on.

From the very beginning it seemed so natural to me. The only reason I tested myself for a long time, trying to be normal, is our legislation. Most likely, I will never have a full-fledged family … But it is easier to accept this than to pretend all my life.

None of my relatives know about this. I don’t want to lose my only family. And I don’t want to hurt them. But with close friends, I am absolutely frank. This gives freedom to me and to them. Very soon I fell unrequitedly in love again, but chose a new path.

Once a persone I loved said: “Unconditional love is possible only for God.” And I smiled …

I think that to love a person whom you don’t hear, don’t see, don’t know whether he is smiling now or sadness fills his heart … and even more so you don’t have the opportunity to be near, to bare yourself in front of him … This is the same as to love God.

After all, all you know is that he Is. And at some point it becomes enough for you.

My soul has always resisted the understanding of Love as an internal state. After all, I was sure that love is, first of all, a manifestation … without which any important words lose all value. And these feelings (be it inspiration or immense emptiness) without action are most likely nothing more than a need for acceptance and recognition. Since you feel so important because of the other. And this is actually enough for many people.

But when you Love, one state seems so little. There is a growing feeling of overcrowding. It’s like a cup inside you, which will soon overflow … Or a growing tree, directed upward, which is blocked by a stone roof, not allowing it to become even larger and more powerful.

Subsequently, a moment comes when you lose the meaning of life… It’s scary, hard, and aimless.

Every day the same question: “Why? What is the meaning of everything that happens to you, what is born in you, changes you, inspires you, but also throws you against a concrete wall? ” Even if you do not even have the right to say “I love you” … In any case, in the sense that is genuine.

But you don’t want to get rid of it…

It’s so easy to erase someone from your heart, stifle it in yourself and move on, continuing your search. But only weak people do this. This is the path of those who expect love from others but don’t love others. You know … When you do not want to give up on anyone, consciously dooming yourself to loneliness, the appearance of that very only person gradually dissolves. His figure slowly disappears, but the feeling remains with you.

Now I look into the eyes and find God in them, I see a blurry silhouette, behind which the whole world is.

I was finally able to feel that everything in the world exists as a whole. One soul that knew nothing but chaos until it incarnated in the material world. That is why when you meet a person who seems similar, understandable and so familiar to you, you get the feeling that you have returned home.
It always seemed to me that to be spiritual means to be in such a state of consciousness in which you identify yourself with everything living and nonliving that exists in this world or another.

Now I also identify the people I love with the Universe. They are an integral part of it, just like me. This means that we are all small parts of each other.
This gives so many opportunities for my Love that I have not found before. And if I want to show my feelings, I can do it at any moment, under any circumstances, and wherever I am. Then the world, albeit imperceptibly, will change.

In this moment, I realize that I love life like I never did before. And I so want to know her. Since life itself is Love. Now I listen to music differently, I read books differently, my fingers touch the strings of the guitar in a new way, my arms hug my relatives differently, and my eyes look at the stars in a different way.

These feelings are so pleasant. Something warm and bright shines inside me.

The body seems light, and complex things seem surprisingly simple.

It’s incredible how beautiful everything around me is, and it deserves the greatest love.

So one person becomes the whole world.

I will go my own way and sow seeds, in the expectation that the most beautiful buds will bloom in those places someday. And you will feel their wonderful scent, or you will even be able to enjoy the dazzling colors and amazing shapes.

And I still believe that I will be lucky enough to meet someone who is as in love with life as I am to love it together.

After all, when I am gone, the world will continue to exist. And I want that in this world there would be more Life!

I was a bird that can’t fly. Then sudden I met “love”. She gave me wings to fly high but yet scares me.

When I found love. I didnt say anything, I’m just action speak louder than words. I think everyone, no, not everyone notice what makes me happy. But I am glad i found love and Im lil bit scared because not everyone knows or accepted my imperfection. And that’s for being a Bi. So I am not totally out because I’m scared.

A flamboyant, macho, brainiac weirdo

Hello there,
I guess I should start with the introduction.
My name is Deniz, most people call me Deni (sounds just like Danny or Denny) and it kinda grew on me because in reality I don’t like my name. Actually I don’t like how it sounds, and sometimes people have hard time pronouncing it correctly (They usually use alternative spelling version in their native language). I just gave up eventually. In Turkish language, “Deniz” is a unisex name, the word means “sea”. For unknown reasons, people always I assume that I’m a biological man and address me as such; on the phone, on documents, in emails and etc. I know that my gender expression isn’t helping at all, but it always bothered me, being assumed to be someone and stuff.

I’d like to share a story about the time I came out as bisexual because 12 years ago coming out as queer just wasn’t in the cards. Society I was in, including myself, wasn’t ready to face the notion of gender expressions other that the binary system itself.
When I was 16, I decided to come out to my friends. I wanted to be honest, lying is not my strongest quality, never was. I was always in trıuble for being blunt. No one apreciated it, probably my dead pan face gave it away. I dunno.
I was the team captain of when I was teenager, and lots of younger swimmers in my team were looking up to me. I felt like I had the responsibility to set a good example (I mean I was the older child, I expected too much of myself I see it now). Parents were trusting me to be a wise leader, kids were coming to me with their problems. I was changing in the dressing rooms I shared with lots of younger girls and I didn’t want them to fear me. I didn’t want to seem like a predator, a freak who was supposed to be their older sister (I wasn’t even sure if I was capable of being sexually attracted to anyone until I graduated from high school, it was more of an emotional state of mine for me)
Shortly, I didn’t want to betray anyone’s trust. My coach was already sexually harrassing and grooming, flirting with (I mean what a cliché, amirite?) kids, other athletes, moms…
However, I never had the chance to be myself, I didn’t have the chance nor time to discover what I was, who I was and what I wanted in life other than what was bestowed upon me as an ideal supported and encouraged by the adults in my inner circle. (Truth time, I thought french kiss was the worst thing ever, it was messy and unsanitary, plus in high school at one time I was dating a med student and wait, I just realized that I’ve sated so many med students and I work at a hospital, what is wrong with me – I hated the French kiss because of all the med students I dated)
I attended an elite high school that is still ranked in top ten in the country I live in. It was competitive, very stressful (I don’t want to brag but Turkish education syatem is shit, I was one of the lucky ones and I had to earn my place by sacrificing anything that could be considered as fun). I never get to enjoy that high school experience as most people did. (I don’t even know what that means I mean I made out with girls and went to parties and got drunk and shit but it was low key, considering who I was in college)

One day, I just turned to my friend while we were sitting at our desks in class (I think we were in recess), mind you we were all nerds and geeks with extra ordinary curriculums up our sleeves (up to our butts, my classmate is a soloist – violinist and a successful lawyer right now), and that friend of mine was trying to solve a trigonometry equation that was bothering her for so long (time is relative). I looked at her, and in all seriousness told her that I was bisexual, that I actually liked boys and girls, as if it was my big shameful secret – it felt like I died inside.
I mean, I already dated the basketball team captain in freshman year and the drum player of the school band in sophmore, I was popular (as a weirdo maybe). It felt like a legit mistake. I could’ve seen the next day, people making fun of me and the mentioning the time they found my Lindsay Lohan photo album and asked what it was, the I replied with “She is my role model” bullshit when it was clearly, ehm… whatsevs…
Anyway, she stopped, looked at me, and said “Good for you, I’m happy for you. Now please solve this one because I can’t, and it’s embarrasing.” So, I did. It was easier to solve it if you pretend that the triangle was a part of a pizza slice, and the radius of the arc under the triangle was mirroring the parabol on the graph, thus tan(x) wasn’t just a mystery that haunted my friend for the last couple of hours. (it might have been 5 min)
She was more interested in solving the geometric riddle than whom I’d fancy. I was heartbroken. Who did she think she was? I’m just joking, it was a huge relief.

That was a wake-up call for me to be honest. That eureka moment bunked many negative pretend-comments I had about myself. I was in my head for so long. I was afraid I would let everyone down that I never realized I was letting myself down by belittling myself. I was who I was, I still am who I am. My sexuality, my gender, my gender expression are just not as interesting comparing to my personality, my vision, my interests, what I am capable of, and what I succeded.
I was really proud of myself, and then college happened…

I am QUEER

I was always attracted to both men and women and deep down I knew that I like both men and women as I don’t look them as genders I look them as beautiful heart. I am from India and I never got the courage to share this with my family that for me love is love but hopefully soon I will let them know that I am QUEER !!

Bisexual?

This is the first time I have openly written about my sexuality so first of let’s take it back to the beginning.

I have always respected those in the lgbtq+ community, from a very young age i believed that love is love, and when you love you do it loud and proud. I was lucky for believing that statement that love is love. I grew up in a catholic household which isn’t typically an open minded religion from my experiences.

Now fast forward to my high-school years. I was also very lucky to be at a school that was diverse and open minded. We had a gay straight alliance club, I never went because I was scared but everyone loved it.

High-school is when I started watching a ton of shows that had wlw just because It felt powerful. And of course I began taking the quizzes every one takes at some point in their life. Along with me discovering who I love i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. This took me awhile to come to terms with. Even though I struggle everyday I get back up even on the darkest days where I feel alone. watching those shows gave me peace along with validation.

The biggest influence for me discovering that I loved women was watching wlw couples on TV. The feeling I had when wlw couples appeared on the screen and got more than 5 seconds together was just… I was speechless and overwhelmed with love and support.
By far the most influential part of my journey has been watching wynonna earp.

As cheesy as it sounds watching wayhaught develop into this beautiful couple has just brought me hope. Watching them love so hard and support each other is so powerful. I hope one day to find that crazy love.

Now I wish I had this big “character arch” but im 20yrs old and this is me. I’ve spent the majority of my years supporting the community. And slowly began realizing how I would love to take her out for coffee over him. I’ve never felt connected to men, the way I look at women is completely different, I feel it and just know. Granted I have never been in a relationship with anyone.

The right one will show up when its the right time. As much as I’d love to do cheesy couple dates.

im scared that I won’t be accepted for who I love because I can’t find words to really describe how I feel and of course I feel like I have to explain myself to others.

I hope and pray that one day we can all live in peace.

I want to see a world where love isn’t frowned upon just because who i love and who you love may be different.

It’s okay to be different, that’s your superpower.

I hope whoever reads this is inspired or realizes that they are valid. I also hope reading this that you realize you don’t have to have all the answers now. Because Im still figuring myself out as well. tried writing this as accurately and open as I could, I still struggle to find words to how I feel, but its all a part of my journey. I find it hard to put a label on my sexuality like lesbian or bisexual so maybe I will figure that out soon too

Love Love

Love proudly

Love Loud

All my love and support for you beautiful people

♡
~K

Why me?

I’m 25 from Norway and I’ve been out for awhile now. I first realized there was something different with me when I was 10 years old. Back then I of course didn’t think there was anything wrong with what I was feeling, cause honestly how can a child who’s really open-minded not realize this isn’t “normal”? I noticed I was attracted to girls the way I should’ve been attracted to boys. When I got older ( I believe i was 12/13) i started to see that maybe this wasn’t as normal as I thought at first. That’s when the fear hit me. That’s when I saw that who I was and who I wanted to be was not accepted in the society. So I did what I had to do, hide my sexuality. For a long time I thought I was bisexual, I mean how could I not be? At least I could be into boys, right? I could have a part of be that was “ normal” and I didn’t have to tell anyone about my attraction towards girls. Time went on and I kept dating boys and I kept getting more depressed. I was 15 and I met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. We became best friends quickly and my feelings only got stronger. It got harder to hide what I was feeling. Everything was so much harder. That’s when I knew I HAD to come out to someone. So I took a few of my friends aside and told them that I was bisexual ( obviously I was lying) and they took it fine. But it didn’t stop there that wasn’t the real me, I wasn’t out as a gay. I kept dating boys, I was still so scared and I still tried to deny it. I knew I had to come out to my parents at some point. By the time I was 17 I have had crush on many girls without anyone knowing. I started to accept myself slowly and I was meeting my fear, I started to realize maybe I wasn’t as weird as I thought. Or maybe people didn’t judge me as I thought. I got my first girlfriend when I was 18 without anyone knowing. That’s when I decided to meet my fear and tell my parents. I wanted to be me and I couldn’t hide it any longer, my friends had known for awhile. I first told my brothers and then my mom, then my dad. Everyone took it amazing except from my dad. I’m not gonna go into details cause it’s complicate but he learned to accept me eventually. I told the rest of my family when I was 21, I felt so free and so happy. I’ve never felt better. I’m never going back and I’m never going to lie about my sexuality again and I’m not gonna go back to being scared and afraid of who I am. I’m so freaking proud of who I am and I’m loving my life now. I don’t miss being in the closet at all. Now I stand with LGBTQ+ and I fight for our rights. Everyone should be able to love who they want no matter sexuality they have. Love is freaking beautiful

Missouriraynebowe…I am from Missouri. Raynebowe is a play on words because I was looking for the colorful part of a difficult situation.

My earliest memories of attraction to other females was as early as 3rd grade. I remember this girl, who we shared the same bus ride, the same classroom and our desks were in the same 4 square shape group. She sat diagonal from me. So I could see her from nearly every angle. I remember the teacher standing in the middle of the room, which was directly behind her. I remember trying to pay attention, but getting lost in thought of how her smile and laughter brightened up the room. I remember longing for recess time so we could hang out. We always seemed to be together in everything. Life was so big then. I didn’t know yet, obviously what it meant for me. So I chalked it up to best friends and moved on through life quietly in the shadows of what was societal expectations back then. I was 25 years old when I decided to go to my 1st gay bar. It was out in the sticks, old metal converted barn with a lake, a pool room, dance floor, obviously a bar and bathrooms. It took months for me to actually go in the bar part of the bar. I stayed where the pool tables were and made a friend who worked there and watched from a distance trying to navigate different waters of my life. When I got comfortable, my friend that worked there, took my hand and walked me inside to watch a drag show. WOW was I ever caught up and amazed. I was hooked after that. The lights, the singing, performing. The drag queens were as openly colorful as I felt inside. This week after week helped me come to full terms with my own sexuality. So another friend took me to a small book store downtown, Columbia called The Peace Nook. It was back then a safe haven for anyone who needed to just be. I read books, talked with patrons, the owner. The Peace Nook embraced the power of just being to the very core and to this day, still in the same location, waving it’s rainbow flag and the Peace Nook flag outside of it’s staircase on the street. It still stands for it’s core values. At 30 I met my first serious girlfriend. Fell hopelessly in love. Everything in my world aligned perfectly. But not without some struggles. Then she got sick with cancer 3 years into our relationship. She died in my arms. Needless to say I was broken to the core. I lost myself, traveled the east coast, landed for Florida for 10 years. Made lots of acquaintances. Met someone special that sparked that light that had been dead for so long. We ended up being just good friends, but she helped me bring my colors out again. I have survived cancer that should have killed me, I have had 2 mastectomies, several surgical procedures, through it all…I am better, stronger, more loving, and found my calling. Not only did I go to school for Massage therapy and graduated 2nd in my class. I found myself….again. Through that, I found my own love for life again. I don’t judge, because I have been judged, I don’t preach: I teach, I am strong, because I have been broken to my core. Now I take all of this in my daily life and career working, being a House Manager for individuals with developmental disabilities. I personally prefer to say that my peeps just have different abilities. I help them define and use their skills the best they can. I love so much, but it is no comparison to the love I am given freely everyday of my life. I just hope one day I can be that pure of heart and teach as much as I am taught. I will end on this note. Be a light, be open, be you, above all LOVE.

I’m just attracted to girls

hi. my name is Pao. i’m 18 and currently, i am attracted to girls.

i was always low-key queer since i was in grade school, but without any knowledge about anything being queer, and like every cliché christian kid; i was always left confused and lost.

i really tried to repress it because i was raised in a household where being gay is kinda not okay, and at that young mind i thought being different is not great. and i was just a kid and when statements like “why do you act like a boy” and “be more like a girl, don’t ya” were thrown at you, you tend to question everything and start to hate the things about you and start to lie to yourself that you’ll try to really forget or remove THAT part of you and. I. Hated. It.

then i grew up being socially awkward, had a low self-esteem, accustomed to follow rules, became really scared in crowds and the society itself, and i just tried to be normal.

but alas, i kept receiving statements that i look like a tomboy and such and they all irked until highschool.

same shit happened and surprisingly, they became less cruel because slowly— SLOWLY —people my age that time were starting to become aware, open and attentive. highschool was like the place i really tried to let the “queer” part of me come out as i met people like me, shared stories with them, hid from the society with them and just became low-key gays in our christian school (and i kinda had the biggest crush on a girl who is really, really straight), and i and my schoolmates (not everyone, unfortunately) started to build ourselves. and i gained the greatest friends i ever had.

then i came out.

ONLY to them at 10th grade. and that was like the first step of really accepting who i truly am, and we’re all learning stuff about the broad spectrum of sexuality.

and i built my self-esteem and i learned how to become less awkward. it was and still is a slow progress but i’m learning.

i’m still not out to my family because they’ll definitely kick me out. but i’m trying to open them up to the community, trying to let them understand that we exist and we’re still human beings like everyone else (just more fab) and maybe someday, they’ll accept me.

i’m still not really open to everyone about my sexuality, i just let them figure it out (especially boys) and now i’m a freshman, took criminology as my course (imagine the patriarchy bullshit i go through everyday, it’s sometimes fun), and life is hard and it’ll get harder but you know what— WE ALWAYS PUSH THROUGH IT

it took a lot of courage for me to share my story but i feel a little better. thank you so much for this opportunity

that’s my gay life story and thank you for reading them.

(sorry for the mistakes, english is not my native language )

I’m a unicorn

When I was 12 I met a girl, she eventually became my best friend. We spent a lot of time together. She liked to hold my hand and hug me constantly. I noticed that my feelings for her were getting stronger, suddenly I realized that I wanted to kiss her, that something had changed, that I was jealous if I saw her with a boy, but I refused to accept what was happening to me, how could I like my best friend? It was very hard for me to accept myself, to realize that I liked men, but also women. I was never able to tell my best friend that I was in love with her, I’m still afraid to tell some people who I really am, and it’s killing me.

The Invisible Girl

I think I am actually invisible sometimes.
I think most people think that every now and then.
I was little the first time I felt invisible sitting on a brick wall outside of my church, all the other kids had run to play but I was too tired to play. The adults didn’t even seem to notice I hadn’t made it to the playground.
The thing is I knew then I wasn’t invisible but I still thought it, I still think it.
I do not like putting myself out there.
I slouch when the teacher asks the class a question.
I panic when I don’t understand things.
I panicked when I finally came out to my best friend. I actually don’t even remember what I said to her and I am quite certain that she responded within a minute but that minute felt like forever. In that minute I thought of all the ways my best friend could say she didn’t support me and all the painful ways I would slowly disappear to the person that had stuck by my side since birth.
The truth is even if my friend had said she didn’t support me I would still be me, I would still be gay and I definitely would still be visible.
So here I am.
I haven’t disappeared
And no matter what people say I will never disappear because I have every right to be happy, to find love, to be me.