Community Rainbow Waves

Pansexual female

I came out as bisexual when I was 12 because my knowledge of things like pansexuality was really limited. It wasnt till I was 13 that I realized I was pan. I knew that I would be accepted by my family but I was still scared. Like, once I told everyone it would be a reality. I knew I liked girls when I would look more at girls in movies and I would desperately try to find a boy to tell my friends I liked. I fell in love with my best friend which is such a trope but moving on, it was watching TV shows that I really found my home (if that makes sense). It was watching shows like Glee, Wynonna Earp, and One Day at a Time that I found my confidence. I think the hardest part of it all was learning to accept myself and dealing with hiding a part of myself. Now I’m 15 though, I spend time working on ways to make other people feel accepted and safe. I think the main thing that is really helped me is seeing lgbtq+ people on TV and normalizing it.

Bisexual / soon to be trans

I know growing up was hard , not know what was wrong . I always had the feeling in my mind I wasn’t born the right gender. Wondering why I thought the way I did . But I never never understood it but growing up i lived in a fake Christian life style trying to make my family happy. As I got to my teen years got into my dating years only dated men . I noticed I started to look at women also but I had to tell myself it wasn’t right and went on with my life . But four years ago after I had my son I realized that I was attracted to both men and woman possibly trans after I got out a ever abuse relationship with my sons dad . But several years later I met a couple and became a poly relationship. They have accepted me and I have came out to them that I am bisexual and trans and they love me for me and I am finally happy !

I am gay.

I suppose you could also use the term lesbian to define me but I’ve never really felt comfortable with it due to the pornographic connotations. I am 17 and I realised when I was 13/14. I can’t remember the exact age or date which may be a surprise to some people because it is often viewed as a life changing event. For me, it wasn’t. It was a realisation, an extra part of myself which I hadn’t yet realised but I didn’t think it was a big deal. Quite a few people say that they knew from a young age but didn’t think it was something they should embrace but I honestly had no idea. I’d never met a gay person, nobody had ever mentioned gay people, or just anyone who wasn’t straight, to me or in my presence. I had no idea this was even a thing. It wasn’t like my parents were trying to hide it from me, it had just never been brought up. It wasn’t until I accidentally stumbled across some coming out videos on you tube that I realised. I’d felt the same way that they were describing but I’d just thought that was how everyone felt. I’d had many “boyfriends” when I was younger, I say “boyfriends” because none of them were ever real relationships after all I was only between the ages of 10 and 13. But that was just what you did, that was what everyone my age was doing so that’s what I was doing too, sure I’d found them attractive but I’d never been attracted TO any of them which was the big difference.

So after stumbling across these videos I began searching for them, absorbing everything that was being said, in particular I identified with Rose Ellen Dix’s video (if you want some good queer representation, her and her wife Rosie are absolutely adorable and they’re very funny). I discovered that I was gay and that was it. I didn’t see any issues with my identity because as I had not known about the LGBTQ+ community I had also not known if the struggles I could face, I was blissfully ignorant. I began telling my friends through sending them Ally Hill’s song for coming out with because honestly what a bop. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, he seemed to take it very well and decided that I should tell my mum. I told her that I’d broken up with my boyfriend but that I wasn’t ready to her why yet. When I was, I wrote it on a chalkboard in my room and asked her to read it, and once she had she came and found me. Her first sentence was to ask if I was joking, when I said no she said I must be confused because I had realised I didn’t like my boyfriend and that I needed to rub it off of the chalkboard before my dad saw. She wanted to know if I’d told any of my friends and upon replying that had, she told me that I should tell them that I’m not gay, I was just confused about my feelings. Now I know this isn’t the worst thing to have said to you by a parent when you’ve just tried to come out to them, but I was 13 I didn’t know that this was an outcome that could’ve happened, I thought they wouldn’t care and now I was scared.

Now I faced the struggle that so many if us face. I began closing in on myself for a while, I was suddenly faced with a reality where everything wasn’t okay and there must be something wrong with me. It took a while before I decided that there was nothing wrong with me and I told my friends once more that I was gay, maybe this was just something I had to hide from my family, that was okay, I could do that. I made an Instagram account where I could follow other gay people and talk about tv programmes with gay characters etc without it being associated with my own account because being gay was now something to fear rather than be unbothered about.

At some point, I don’t know exactly when, my dad saw my phone whilst I was on it, he told my mum but didn’t say anything to me about it. A good few months after I’d tried to come out to my mum (probably closer to a year really) she’d been out drinking and I’d stayed up to say goodnight to her when she came home. She confronted me about what my dad had seen and wouldn’t let me leave until I’d told her that I was gay. As you can imagine, I was crying I was only 14 at this point and my main objective had been not slipping up in front off my parents so that they would find out, she kept telling me that it was okay but I honestly wanted the world to swallow me right then and there and this will probably always remain one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. Both of these instances paint my mum in a very bad light but she’s actually a really lovely person, obviously we have our disagreements over things and certain topics but most people do. I used to hate the way she acted during both these instances but know I realise that she was just as inexperienced as I was, she was scared of what people would say and how they would act towards me, of how she was now supposed to act was she to be different? Or the same? I’ve forgiven her for these things, nobody is perfect and she is constantly working to be better. She told my dad what had happened and I think they had an argument over the way she’d acted. My dad has never had an issue with my sexuality and we seem to be closer now than we ever were.

As far as I know, all of my family members know. I say this because my mum told most of them, this may also seem like a bad thing to do to some people, like she had taken away my right to be able to do it myself but honestly, I prefer it this was. This whole experience gave me a fear of coming out to family members so I’m glad I never had to do it. I think I will always have some uncomfortable feelings talking to family members about being gay but it has gotten better as time as gone on so hopefully that means it will go away as I get older. My auntie found out last year after my mum had told her, she made a big fuss about how proud she was of me and I know that’s what some people want and need but it makes me feel so uncomfortable, probably due to the trauma created by my coming out but also because I’ve never felt like it was something that I needed to be brave about, something I needed to be proud of (not that I’m not proud of being gay) but it’s just a part of who I am and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the idea of that being something I need to be brave and proud about if you can understand what I’m trying to say.

A light-hearted coming out was when I told my brother, during the uncomfortable atmosphere that followed my 2nd coming out disaster it went as follows:
Him: “why are you being weird at the minute?”
Me: “I’m not being weird, you’re weird”
Him: “I know you’re gay you know”
Me: *internal freaking out* “who told you?”
Him: “oh I was joking but that’s cool”
After I’d finished freaking out, I really appreciated the easiness of the whole situation.

So to conclude what is a very long story (if you’ve made it this far, thank you for being interested in my life, I’ve nearly finished I promise) I’ve only actually come out about 9 times in my life, the rest is thanks to other people spreading it, including the boyfriend mentioned previously who told people that was the reason I’d broken up with him and lead to the whole school finding out, (it’s okay though, I’ve forgiven him too because we were young and he didn’t know any better). I know there are going to be so many small comings out in my life that I will easily lose track of the number of people that I’ve told and I will probably face some hard times from people who aren’t accepting of who I am, but I say bring it on because I’m happy with who I am and I’m ready to face anything that comes my way.

On a side note, I hope everyone is staying safe during this pandemic and that you’re all healthy and hopefully not facing any loss.

Labels suck

I knew it since I was born. That I was different. But I didn´t expected I could be different in this way. I hated dresses and skirts when I was a kid. I hated when my hair were loose. I said to my parents I won´t get married because I hate dancing in pair( I was in kindergarden). When I played with my friends I always wanted to be a boy. In one game I even married my best friend. I had never any romantic feelings for her, it was just a game. I probably wanted to play boy characters because in a game everything was possible. And I wanted to be a completely different person. I wanted to escape from reality, that was the reason.

When I was eleven years old I wrote in my diary that I felt like a boy. I had no idea that something like “transgender” even exists and that was good because if I knew it I would definitely label myself as trans. And it would make me really confused. Because I´m not a boy.

When I was twelve I started choosing more girl characters in our games. Maybe it was because I was ashamed of running through our garden with my friends, using male pronouns. That was the time when I started thinking romantically about every boy who was nice to me and I was ridiculous, honestly. I had no idea what love is, I was too young. In those times I didn´t know anything about LGBT. I thought the term gay and queer were just rude words for boys. I knew homosexuality exists and I didn´t pay attention to it. I thought it´s weird. Sooner I was called a lesbian at my classmate´s birthday party. I said a name of a girl who was my friend when the other girls were talking about ,,Who do you think is best in our class?” They were talking about boys they liked. And I didn´t like any of them so I just said the name of my friend because in the question were not exactly mentioned boys. Those girls laughed at me and I was embarressed.

I was thirteen when I wrote on a small paper that I think one girl is the most beautiful in our class, boys included. It was some kind of game where we wrote who do we think is the most intelligent or the most annoying of our class, etc. And I thought… Why should I write there a boy´s name? I can think a girl is more pretty, right? So I wrote it. Not a big deal.

I turned fourteen and I started surfing the net. I watched one girl youtuber who was bisexual. I was amazed because I had no idea such a thing has existed. I searched for more information about LGBT. I started following a lesbian youtuber. I thought her videos are really funny. I like your videos, I wrote her to a comment section, though I don´t think I´m a lesbian. And then… I fell in love for the first time. I noticed I´m paying pretty much attention to one of my classmates. And then I realized I like her. I was terrified. What should I do now? It´s disgusting. I´m disgusting. I don´t want to like her. She doesn´t like me back. Why do I have to feel like this? I really didn´t want to be a lesbian. I hated that word. I was thinking that I could be maybe bisexual. I hoped I was just confused. But it really didn´t feel like some confuison. First, I didn´t want to tell anybody. Never. No. Absolutely not. But after few months it was unbearable. I felt the need of telling one of my friends. I started to making small hints before my friends and brother. I thought they will be prepared for the truth when I´ll tell them.

I naively believed the feeling about the firl will just desapear with time. But it didn´t. I finally took courage and told my best friend. I thought she knew it already because of those many hints I was making long months ago. But she was surprised. She had no idea. And then she ignored the fact I told her my big secret because she thought I don´t want to talk about it. I was angry at her but didn´t said anything.
I didn´t want to be in love with that girl anymore but I still was and I felt desparate about it. I noticed I´m starting to thinking about other girls, too. I thought some boys were kind of good looking but it was nothing to compare with the way I was feeling about some girls. I watched some series and read wattpad books just because couples of two girls in it.
The biggest twist was when my brother came out to me as gay. I cried and felt even more desparate than before. Before his coming out, I wanted to tell him- someday. But when he came out also to mum, I lost every piece of courage I´ve ever had. Mum was kind of supportive but she was expecting me to be straight, obviously. I didn´t know if I even can have feelings for boys but I knew I have feelings for girls. I started thinking, what if I was just confused because I watched so much youtube LGBT content?
When I thought I´m after two years finally over that girl, I texted her that I liked her before. I just wanted her to know. I knew she hasn´t ever liked me and I was okay with it. She was probably straight or ace. Her reaction was great but it was always little bit awkward between the two of us since that moment. Anyways, I don´t regret it.
I still didn´t identify as anything, I was too scared of the lesbian label.

I was sixteen years old when I fell for another straight girl. But this time it wasn´t so clear she was straight. It was like she was giving me some hints, she danced with me the whole evening, she convinced me to go for a competition with her, to dress up with her in one toilet cabin, she slept on me in a car. I was so confused and then it turned out she is just that kind of “ally” who likes gays but doesn´t care about other members of the community. I cried and felt desparate again. I told few more friends that I´m maybe into girls. The situation between me and my best friend became clear and we talked about it openly for the first time.
I was really thinking about the labels(What if I´m just confused straight girl? No, I don´t think so. What if I´m a lesbian? Oh, geez how I hate that word. I won´t say this about myself EVER. Am I a bisexual or a pansexual? Do I really like boys at all? I haven´t fell for any boys yet but does that mean that I don´t like boys? What if I´ll start liking them when I´ll grow up? How do I know now? What about transgender people? I know just one trans boy and he´s just my friend. Could I be ace? Well, I´m kind of scared of sex. But I haven´t ever been in a relationship before. How can I know?) and I stayed with my own: I like this girl and that girl and I don´t know who else, yet, whatever.

Then boys started liking me. That was the moment I was hoping for when I was thirteen and fourteen. But now I was seventeen and I felt bad for them. I wanted them to just find another object of interest so it would be easier for both of us. One boy was really unrelenting. He really fell in love with me. I felt horrible because I knew that feeling when you like someone who doesn´t like you back. But I was never so obtrusive to those girls as he was now to me. Yeah, he was funny, trustworthy, responsible, loyal, honest but I couldn´t imagine kissing him. So I said that I´m sorry but I´m not interested. Now he was the one who was desparate.
,,There´s someone else,” I explained. ,,Someone who I like.”
,,What did he do so you like him and not me?” he asked. I didn´t know what to say.
,,Well… he was nice and good looking – and then he asked me to dance and-”
,,Oh, I get it,” he said bitterly. ,,He was handsome. I´m just not attractive enough.”
,,No, that´s not it,” I groaned. ,,That´s not something I could change.” He didn´t seem like he understands. So I decided to tell him the truth.
,,Look. The person that I like… it´s not a boy. Alright? I don´t like you because… maybe I just can´t. That´s it.” And I thought he understands now. Well, he didn´t.
,,But… no. There must be a way to change this,” he said. I couldn´t believe my own ears. That was absurd! He continued. ,,Everything is possible if you want to. It´s all in your head. How could you know if you haven´t even kiss anyone yet? Maybe you didn´t like the girl, you just wanted look like her!” It was like he has read some psychological book about sexuality.
,,Anyways,” I sighed finally. ,,Even if I liked boys, I would stay just friends with you.” He wished me good luck in life then. We´re not really friends or whatever but sometimes we just send to each other memes.

Now I´m almost eighteen. I see a change between present me and the past me. I don´t mind dresses, skirts or dancing in pairs. And I like having hair loose. When I was eleven years old I thought for a while I´m feeling like a boy. But now I don´t. I´m a girl and it is one of few things in my life I am sure about.
I didn´t came out to my parents or to my brother and I don´t plan it. What should I say? Hey, family! You thought I´m straight, right? Well guess what, I´m not! No idea what my sexuality is but I fell in love with two girls so far and that´s it. SURPRISE! Haha, no. Never. I told it to nine people in real life (not counting the internet), the obtrusive boy included. I´m still not sure about the labels. Having to choose one of them is making me feel uncomfortable. I just kind of like fluid labels like gay or queer. I will come out only if there is a reason for it. For example when I´ll start to date and it will be serious. I will come out if it is a boy or a girl. I have to tell my family anyways. Even if I dated a boy, it wouldn´t be easy for me to tell them because I´m a very shy person. Coming out in every case, haha.
So that was my story. My main point is – labels sucks. I don´t want to put myself to any concrete label because I don´t want to be judged. If you don´t know what label suits you, you don´t have to use any of them. If you need to label yourself, feel free to do it. Life is too short to trying beeing someone else. Just be yourself. Good luck!

Lesbian

I’ve always known I liked girls but I never knew it was a “thing”! Growing up I never had contact to anyone gay until one day in middle school and upper classmen came out. She didn’t care and she told everyone!

She was someone I looked up to in sports and when she came out I thought it was cool! At this point I’ve never put any though into my own feelings! Honestly boys annoyed me I think since I was born haha but I never thought anything of it! I questioned myself and until I was a senior in high school I finally started trying to put things together. when one of my good friends came out to me and I to her! It felt amazing to say I felt something for girls! But little did I know that was the beginning of all the struggles of trying to find and ACCEPT MYSELF!
I went off to college lost not knowing who I was or who I should be! I struggle with the thought of what would my mom say! I struggled so much a becalmed depressed for a couple of years! Those years were awful but those years have got me to where I am now!
I had met someone (a beautiful girl) who made me so happy I didn’t care what anyone thought! I came out to my mom and she didn’t take it to well. Good thing I was on my own in college so the long months of my mom calling me crying or not even talking to me because she thought she had failed as a mother. It was hard because my mom is my world but if she couldn’t accept me then I would live on happy living my truth with my girlfriend.
My mom came around thanks to my awesome stepdad and she loved my girlfriend just as much as I did.

Though that relations didn’t last for long but I was out and I’m proud of who I am.
I still struggle with political officials saying that how I feel is wrong! being that my state doesn’t really like people like me and has made it where they can discriminate against me at work if they choose to. It’s hard but what keeps me going is that I know who I am and I live my truth the best I can!
Peace, love, and happiness

Lesbian/Gay woman

I realised that I was gay at around age 14, I was never interested in all the boy talk my friends seemed to always want to have but until I started becoming unwell I didn’t think too much of it. Unfortunately at the age of 14 I started developing chest infections and viruses, one after the other which eventually caused my body to develop a chronic illness. I was forced to leave school and spent 3 months housebound, which gave me wayyyy too much time to think!

I didn’t want to be different, there was already too many things that made me stand out, I was fat, short, and shy, along with other things and I couldn’t handle anything else on top of that.

Over those months where I was housebound and then only doing a few hours of schooling a day, I started to knock down all the layers of negative self-esteem that had built up through my life. It was the hardest time of my life but now I know that true happiness comes from the little things, that you don’t need a lot of friends, just a select few that bring light into your life.

I’m out to my close family and friends but there’s still some family members I have yet to have the discussion with. When you first come out it is terrifying, not because of someone else’s reaction but because you are opening up your heart and giving them permission to see you, the complete you for the first time. That’s the scary part!

I used to wish and pray that I was straight or at least into boys but that was never meant to be, I am who I was always supposed to be and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I still have a lot of insecurities but I’m gonna keep working through them because above it all, I am proud to be a gay woman.

#OutIsTheNewIn

Lesbian

I was bullied all through school even before I 100% knew what I was or felt. I thought I’d keep trying to be “normal” by dating lads but it just didn’t feel right to me. I finally started dating a girl and I just felt like this was who I was. I came out to some of my family at the beginning and they were great especially my nan. But when my parents found out they weren’t 100%supportive of me. They insisted this was a phase or that I was atleast bisexual. I’m now 24 turning 25 in July and only recently got my parents to understand that I am a lesbian and just because I am a lesbian doesn’t mean I won’t get married or have a family. I’m happier in myself, I’ve been through a journey of up and downs with it all and having 0 confidence but I’ve met great people and have family that are in my corner .

Bi work in progress

I am sorry if this isn’t what you are looking for and it may
not be appropriate for this format but this was the only place I felt
comfortable to send this in. This is a small part of my journey and a
part that I found not many people openly discuss including myself but I
feel its a very part of my ongoing journey.

Confidence……Sexual confidence

Some will admit this, some will lie and some just flat out refuse to
talk about it. I annoyingly fall into later category. Sex is important,
sex is a large part of our lives, whether we are not having any, too
much, not enough, average sex or the best sex of lives. The thoughts
about sex are never from far our minds. The real difference is between
those who discuss it and those who don’t, its not the quantity or
quality, its confidence.

Sexual confidence is not always based on how good you are or think you
are its about how feel when you discuss it, if you discuss it at all.

Recently, although not really that recently I have come out and been
working through the many phases of becoming comfortable with my new
found normal and who I am. I am ashamed to admit that although I have
seen many come out before me I never really understood what it meant.
That it changes everything, its like hitting reset when your are already
halfway through the game. Everything about who you are and the lessons
you have learnt and comforts that you have afford yourself are all
thrown away. The toughest part is that unlike when you go through this
crucial stage of life in your teens most people have already completed
these levels and moved on, leaving you behind, constantly both reminding
you of the challenges you have ahead and making you feel intimidated at
the same time.
I have been working through these phases and I haven’t been able to
let someone (the person I trust the most in the world) really help me.
This has bothered me because why can’t Iet her help me? Why do I feel
that I have to do this alone? Why? These were questions I could not
answer and it felt like I was in canoe unable to paddle on both sides,
around and around I go but never progress up stream. It wasn’t until I
was given ‘homework’ from a stranger whom I sought out to help me
find a way to paddle on both sides that I realised why.

The stranger challenged me to have fun with it. To have fun with my
sexuality. Fun! Really?! Sure no worries, I will get right onto
that…..quick question how do I do that?

Everyone loves fun right? We have been doing it since we were kids, the
laughter that comes with fun is one of the first sounds we make as
babies which is associated with a smile. And yet here I am a 28 year old
woman who doesn’t know how to find one of the most fundamental things
in life. I sat and thought about this, I went through my life like a
rolodex flagging the cards that provided me with smiles and laughter.
Fun! I thought about those moments, they included my friends, family and
activities that I was good at. Although they were all different there
was one commonality in all of them. Confidence.

With my friends I was confident in who I was, confident in the people
around me, the people that I had chosen to spend my time with.

Activities I was confident because I was good at was I was doing. I knew
I could do it and had a sense of achievement, accomplishment and value
in that field.

Family I was confident with them, they have known me for my entire life
and in the kids case for their entire lives. Family is a little
different because my confidence ebbs and flows with them, sometimes in
rare fleeting moments I am at complete ease and find myself smiling just
because and in other moments I find myself withdrawing. Withdrawing
because I sense unease with who I am and what I stand for. As is the
case in most families although we are the same we are very different and
this can be attributed to our life choices and paths we have taken. In
my family I am alone, I am alone in many ways. My career, my sports, my
friends, my locality, my relationship status and…… my sexual
orientation.
I grew up in a family that replaced hugs and emotional support with
sarcasm and sport. I felt this worked until I discovered I was
different. Until I worked out that the sarcasm and sport left with me
void and sense of loneliness. I sought comfort in tried to fill that
void with the other parts of my life that gave me fun; activities and
friends.

I moved through my teens and into my early 20’s slowly finding my own
path and in doing so I realised that there was people out there who
provided love and support to each other. One problem, I didn’t know
how to accept or reciprocate it. I did what I knew, I stuck with my
sarcasm (which I am rather accomplished at) and developed a somewhat
charming manner (modest I know) that made people feel comfortable around
me. They were free of judgement and could have a laugh. I built their
confidence but in doing so I neglected mine. We would discuss their
work, their friendships, their relationships and in turn their sex
lives. I was and still am happy to discuss it all with them and even
their sex lives but only if they didn’t discuss mine.

WHY?

I enjoy it, I have never had any complaints about it so I must be ok at
it so why can’t I talk about it? I get physically uncomfortable and
tense up. And now, I cant even have any fun with it. If I indulge myself
there is an seem secrecy required and at times bordering on shame.

That strangers home work continued circle around and around in my brain
like that bloody canoe.

Then it hit me, confidence, whether it be sexual or otherwise stems from
conversation. A sense of comfort and support to have those
conversations. Unsurprisingly in a family based on sarcasm and sport
open conversations were made in jest not to mention they were few and
far between. When they did happen it was uncomfortable and glazed over
as soon as humanly possible. I never had discussions around
relationships with my siblings let alone conversations about sex. We
would sit around the dinner table a joke would be made that would from
time to time turn sexual in its nature, we would each jump on it,
stacking on each others previous one liner, Dad would just look down and
continue eating, Mum with shake her head attempting to stifle a giggle
and tell us all to stop.

The was it.

No more discussion, nothing to normalise it not even between siblings. I
remember when I was dating a guy and I got the implant contraceptive
rod, it was the same time as my sister in laws hens day. My entire
family had come together and my second eldest brother saw the bandage
that was wrapped around my left bicep. He straight up questioned me in
front of everyone; other siblings, in-laws and parents about why I
needed it. I got uncomfortable, made a quick retort and withdrew to the
corner of the room as my brother made jokes about having never met this
guy and reference his skills with a cricket bat. But don’t worry it
was over quickly as the footy was on Tv. I am pretty certain that is the
only time any of my relationships have been discussed.

Over the years I developed a core group of friends where we would have
numerous wide ranging conversations that developed a comfort and support
system for me. As that friendship circle tightened we all assumed our
various roles and they worked out what I could and could not discuss.
They wouldn’t push unless the perfect storm struck were we were drunk
and they honestly worried about me. Their questions came from a place of
love and support and I was finally able to start to have these
conversations and built the associated confidence. I felt like I was
building a level of confidence that I was happy with but then things
changed.

With increased confidence came an increased sense of self. It was then
that disaster struck, I knew I was different. Different from my family
and friends. All of a sudden that confidence was gone, I was back to
square one.

This sense of disconnection from my family and friends left me feeling
like a lone wolf, fighting through the paralysing self doubt, fear and
unknown. Not knowing if it would ever stop, the sense of trying to
survive the arrows bombarding me from all directions because there was
no shelter in sight. And just spice things up a ‘fun’ side affect of
rewriting of who you are is anxiety because everything had be
reconfigured and required conversations that had previously never been
considered.

Square one has forced me to look inwards and have some honest and
uncomfortable conversations with myself about my inadequacies and my
strengths. Through this I have identified different areas of my life and
the associated challenges. I had broken them down into bite sized pieces
and slowly consumed them. Now I am back to the same issue that plagued
me in my 20’s. Sexual confidence. The only difference now is that my
family don’t even know how to make the jokes about it but in fairness
I haven’t changed in the fact that i still can’t have the
conversation, even in jest.

Request of fun can only be fulfilled once I have sexual confidence to
enjoy it again. I have identified why I have this deficient in my
personality. I am trying to re-program my brain that sex and
relationships are not a taboo topic and that is something everyone does,
thinks and fantasises about including me. Relationships and sex are
meant to be fun.

Now, how do move out my own insecurities long enough to enjoy it? To
find fun?

The answer…….

CONVERSATIONS, so here we go.

I identify as a lesbian

My story started when I was in the 6th grade and I’d notice that I was always looking harder and lingering when I looked at women and never paid attention to boys. I could never relate or join into convo when my friends would all talk about their boy crushes and that did put me on the outside of their world in a way but it also made he have a sense that I wasn’t suppose to be in that world. Anyway, this was a Christian private school with closed minded hearts and minds so I wasn’t eager to expose myself until my last year there in 9th grade when I just about did not care anymore because it came down to loving myself for who I was or faking it till I made it and being depressed. I just about had it and wasn’t gonna be ashamed of it. Thankfully 10th grade came around and I switched to the largest public school in Louisiana because I was snot a closed minded private school person and any sense and loved meeting new and crazy people. This decision changed my life for the better, it made me realize that no one at the school really cared because they had bigger things in their lives to think about. I met an amazing group of friends who accepted be fully which I never really truly thought could happen. But , years later and I’m now 22 and I’ve met so many wonderful lgbt people, dating lots , and am happen to be who I am today and I’m grateful for my experiences. Hope this story helps some of you in the aspect that it does get better and you are worthy of love and acceptance. Love you!

Toni

Hi, my name is Toni I am 13 and I’m Bisexual. I have two very conservative parents who may never support who I am. But, that’s fine with me because I’ve realized over the years that their opinion on my love life doesn’t matter. As long as I’m happy and the person treats me right why should how they identity matter? Being with a woman is a better experience than being with a man. When you’re with a woman, they understand you better, they can relate to all the struggles that come with being a woman. Especially if your a colored queer woman in America. My family has no idea how I feel they won’t accept it but I’ve decided that once I’m 18, I’ll come out to them. That way, they can’t kick me out, by then they can disown me if that’s what they choose, at least I’ll be happy.

As a survivor of 3 years of sexual assault, it’s more common for me to gravitate towards women. It’s ok for me not to be comfortable with a man. Those 3 years of my life were the longest and hardest. It started when I was 7 turning 8 and it ended when I was 11. During the duration of those years, I was very depressed life was so miserable. Then, I meet a girl who changed my point of view of things, she had experienced the same tragedy as me. We were both survivors, we are always there for each other, we make each other smile it’s great. The sad part about the whole thing is the person who ruined my childhood is someone that I will continue to see. My family knows of what happened, but they act like it’s never happened.

Once I came out to the people who genuinely know me, I’ve been living my best life, things have been so amazing, of course, life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows but for the most part, it’s alright. I’ve found out that I’m most happy when talking, thinking, or texting a girl. “Wynonna Earp”, Wayhaught’s relationship is so adorable, even though it’s just a show, Dom and Kat’s relationship is just so beautiful and It makes me think “Wow now that’s the kind of love I want, I want someone to look at me the way they look at each other.”

In all, I hope that what you can take from my little story, is don’t be afraid to be you screw anyone else’s opinion but your own. If they don’t like who you are then it’s their loss, live for yourself and who you want to be, don’t let others live through you.